


and miss and miss and miss

by Tallbutt



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: F/M, im kind of a masochist
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-09
Updated: 2016-11-14
Packaged: 2018-08-14 03:02:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 31,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7996180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tallbutt/pseuds/Tallbutt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“This is going to be good for us.” she says and Jake feels his entire world shift.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. winter p.1

**Author's Note:**

> there's going to be about five chapters and a whole lotta pain. this is winter p.1 and i;'ll be posting p.2 in like the next week or so.this is probably not accurate but i'm not a cop and honestly, the show isn't accurate either so i feel as if i have permission from Goor. lol  
> title is from cosmia by joanna newsom  
> 

The snow is falling when Amy breaks up with him. 

“This is going to be good for us.” she says and Jake feels his entire world shift, his heart as cold as the weather outside. She’s fidgeting with the bracelet he got her for her birthday last year, a lopsided heart he had created hangs from the simple platinum links, their initials carved on the inside. 

“This is going to be good for us.” she repeats, eyebrows rising a little, as if to comfort his already breaking heart. 

“That’s what you said about Boston and now here we are.” He laughs dryly, with no humor. “You’re leaving forever.” He whispers and Amy fingers clasp around the platinum heart. 

“Jake-“she begins. 

“Please.” He raises his eyes to hers, watching as light illuminates the gold flecks in her eyes, making her look like the angel he’s always thought her to be. Amy’s lip quivers, her eyes filling with shiny tears. 

“We talked about this.” 

“ _You_ talked about this. I just listened.” He retorts. “You refused to compromise.” 

“There’s nothing to compromise.” Her breaths starts coming out in short pants and Jake automatically reaches for her upper arms, all too familiar with the claustrophobia that somehow makes it harder for her to breathe. Amy stiffens and he steps back automatically, hands dropping awkwardly to his side. Amy clasps her eyes closed, breathing in deeply through her nose and all Jake can do is watch pathetically from the sidelines. Her eyes are filled with tears as she raises them to him. “Things have been so different for so long now.” 

“I know.” He agrees hoarsely, because she’s right, things have not been the same between them in such a long time. At least, since the NYD sent her to Boston for a short three month sergeant position. Chief Garmin had a soft spot for Amy--especially after she brought New York State the highest sergeant test score in over fifteen years-- and personally recommended her to Chief Lollipold, who, after the big police strike Boston, had a shortage of sergeants. 

Amy had been working at the 85, a small, small precinct with no real cases. So, when offered the opportunity, Amy agreed profusely. Jake had been alongside her, smiling as widely as when she became sergeant six months prior. 

Things had been fine at first, both of them determined to make long-distance their bitch, and it was actually working, phone sex was sexy and Amy loved her temporary job, but then, two months in, the strike was still going strong and they extended Amy’s stay to five months. 

Jake had put on a big fake smile when she Skyped him that night, watching as she rambled on about her job in their cold, empty apartment. He missed her so much and it had been two months since he had been able to wrap his arms around her or even kiss her and it was slowly driving him insane. 

Either way, he congratulated her, knowing how much she wanted this, how this would be the next step to become captain. Their nightly calls still came but then the ‘Crazy Hipster Killer’ appeared and Brooklyn was in mayhem; afternoons in front of his computer talking to Amy were spent in front of his work computer, trying desperately to put down the son of a bitch, which he did. 

But, just as Jake was free, she had some big work mishap to fix and pretty soon they stopped speaking for two, three, seven days. It was hard and Jake missed her even more than before. 

\- 

“You’re always working.” He said to her after yet another missed call. 

“I have a precinct to run, Jake.” 

“I miss you so much, though, and it’s like you don’t even have time for me.” Jake heard the whining, the neediness in his voice and didn’t find it within him to feel self-conscious or even care. 

“Jake, I miss you, too but I’m sorry, you know this is my job.” She said and Jake fiddled with the edge of his jacket, pulling on the frayed string. feeling like a chastised child. Finally, after a minute of silence, Amy spoke again. “How was the Brooklyn Killer case? They’re talking about it all over the news.” Jake perked up, happy to be changing the subject from the tense conversation they having. 

“It was good. Turns out the son of the bitch was hiding people at his job. Which, by the way, he worked in a thrift store. I mean, how cliché.” Amy let out a little hum and Jake could hear the computer keys clicking as she typed. He pushed the annoyance deep inside him. “Anyway, Boyle and I went undercover as hipsters but Boyle wore these ridiculous high-waisted shorts with rips all over and –“ 

“Oh, my god. Sorry, Jake but I just got this important email from the commissioner and I’ve got to go. Bye, I’ll call you later.” 

She hung up before he could say goodbye. 

“And Boyle’s shorts ripped so everybody could see his red man-thong.” He mumbled into the receiver and sighed. 

\- 

Finally, after days of not talking for more than two minutes at a time, he called her and they talked it out. They arranged for Jake to visit for three days, which they would spent eating pizza in bed and having sex. Jake felt an immense amount of relief because things were finally getting back on track. 

But things didn’t go as planned because Amy’s precinct had a huge disaster and she was gone two and half of the three days. So Jake spent his time in Boston eating hot pockets in Amy’s cold kitchen, feeling as if perhaps things weren’t what they used to be anymore. 

He went home on Sunday night, not even saying goodbye but by leaving a note in the fridge. 

After that, things became tenser and Jake began to harbor light resentment towards Amy for leaving him alone during his time in Boston. All the while, an immense amount of guilt weighed heavy on him for pinning things on Amy that were not her fault but he couldn’t help but feel as if she was leaving him behind as she grew higher into the sky. 

He let his feelings simmer underneath the surface, not bothering to tell her just how abandoned he felt. Things started getting worse, though, and their calls were less frequent and their talks more stagnant. His emotions grew and grew until one day he finally exploded. It led to the biggest fight they ever had, which ended with Amy bluntly accusing him of not supporting her job, the anger in her voice startling Jake quiet. 

The two of them lay on the line, absorbing the words that Amy had spilt. For Jake, it felt like a kick in the gut; all the air drained from his lungs as he tried to verbalize something to her, anything. His mind spun and hung up with her as she was just beginning to apologize, staring emptily at the phone as soon as he did. 

After that, they didn’t speak for two weeks, during which, Jake got really drunk and rambled to anyone who was listening that he was unsure where his relationship with Amy stood. Finally, after two weeks of brooding, he called her and she sounded as relieved as he did. They talked for hours about what they had been doing over the last two weeks and after the call was over, Jake couldn’t help but notice that there was tons of things left unsaid. 

(Like the fact that the elephant in the room remained standing in the corner and he was getting a bit antsy about the possibility of it growing until it suffocated them both.) 

Amy came back for a short visit in September, when there was one month left of her sergeant position in Boston. The time was spent with the squad, drinking and retelling Amy about stories she had missed. 

Jake would be lying if he didn’t think that things were a little bit awkward between them. How the apartment seemed quieter now that she was back and how she had looked around the apartment when she first arrived, noticing things that had been changed since she was gone, including his new cat, Patches. It was almost as if she was a visiting family member rather than the woman whose name he shared on the lease. 

“I feel like things are so different now.” She admitted over a quiet breakfast one day. “Like, how did Gina and Oliver meet?” 

“That’s actually a funny story. Jane Aquila was the one who-“Jake began, just wanting to include her in something and not see that tight-lipped smile she had been wearing lately. 

“I don’t know who Jane Aquila is.” Amy said quietly. 

“Oh, right. She’s the new detective that came when you, uh, left...” He said, his smile falling off his face. They ate the rest of their meal in silence, the awkwardness choking Jake like a vice. 

Jake secretly marveled at how the one thing that brought them together was now setting them apart. 

Amy cut her visit three days short and Jake hated himself for a being a little relieved. He admitted to Charles over drinks that things were awkward between him and Amy. 

“I would think so. You haven’t seen her in over four months.” 

“Yeah, but we talked.” Jake argued. 

“And how much of that time was spent fighting?” Jake stayed quiet, because Charles was right. “Every couple has their rough spots and these months are yours. All you need to do is sit down and talk it out with her. Remember how hard it was for you to get back into the groove after going undercover?” 

“You’re right.” Jake agreed, remembering how she had comforted him and brought him back to his former self; now it was his turn. 

He called her that Saturday night and before he could put one word in, she blurted out that she got offered to work full time and she’d accepted. The smile fell off his face as Amy rambled on about her outstanding work and the band of misfits she'd turned back around. 

He tried to convince himself that this was good, that this change of scenery would do him and Amy good, that this massive change was going to bring their relationship back on track. 

Either way, he still said “You already have a job over here, though.” 

”I get to do real stuff here, Jake! Don’t get me wrong, I love New York but Boston takes better care of me. Chief Lollipold said that I could get my own precinct by the time I’m forty.” Amy said, her eyes alight. “In New York, I would be lucky to get it by the time I’m fifty.” 

“Okay.” He nodded, because she was right, this was a huge opportunity and another step in Amy’s ladder of personal achievements. “Sounds good. I mean, I’ve never lived anywhere other than New York so this will be a good change.” He smiled and Amy stopped talking, her throat bobbing in nervousness. 

“Jake, I’ve been thinking…” Amy began and Jake’s heart began to tear in two. “Maybe, you don’t have to come so quick? I mean, you’d have to start all over and-“she stopped talking, the words unspoken crackled as Jake tried to get himself down to planet Earth. 

“What are you saying?” his voice cracked. 

“I’m saying that-“Amy faltered, drawing her eyes downward as if she was ashamed of the words she was speaking. “Things have been so weird lately and I think we need a break, in a sense.” 

“A break?” 

“ Jake, I heard about that medal you got for the hipster killer and since you’re not technically a transfer you’d have to start all over again and-” 

“Oh.” 

Amy stared at him, her brown eyes reserved. Something settled in Jake’s stomach and all he wanted to do was cuddle with Patches and sleep because this has to be some sort of nightmare, because Amy is not breaking up with him. 

Right? 

“It’s just until things settle down, Jake.” 

“And when will things settle down, Amy?” he didn’t mean for his voice to be harsh and sharp but it did, and Amy scrunched into herself. 

“I don’t know.” She said bleakly and Jake blinked back tears. “I’ll be back in New York on Monday.” She said after a moment. “We can talk then.” 

So when Amy arrived on Monday, Jake was waiting in their apartment, Patches purring in his lap. He felt like the villain from Austin Powers and Amy's eyes shone with amusement as she into the apartment, obviously thinking the same. Patches fell off his lap as he stood and Amy smiled tightly from the door, the mirth in her eyes gone. 

He had kissed her hello and it was more than just a little awkward because he clasped her upper arms tightly, like a child does to a mother, whilst hers stood like two solid rocks to her side. Finally, she pulled away and Jake deflated at the look in her eyes. 

“I guess we’re talking, huh?” 

“Yeah.” She had replied hoarsely. They stared at each other in a standstill, the elephant that Jake had been wanting to shoot those weeks ago suffocating them both. 

Finally, he broke and said, “What should we talk about?” 

“Boston.” She blurted out. “I don’t think you should go.” She said quickly, she raised her eyes to his and glittering tears illuminated them. Jake began to argue and Amy pressed a placating hand to his forearm, squeezing it as she spoke. “You’re doing well here, Jake, and it would be highly unfair of me to ask you to move to a whole different state to start my career while simultaneously asking you to end yours.” 

“I don’t get how that’s your decision to make.” Jake argued, the mood deflating and whiplash hit him harshly as the mood turned from awkward to almost angry. “I should be able to decide, Amy, and I want to go to Boston with you.” He grabbed her hands tightly, fingers leaving a lines of red, like scars on her skin. 

“Jake, you’re not understanding.” She shook him off, as she shook her head. 

“No, Amy. I understand very well.” He said darkly. Patches mewled in abandonment from the sofa. 

“No, you don’t.” she said and paused, her eyes drank him in, watching the grief written plainly on his face. “Tell me,” she began, as she licked her lips. “would you ask the same for me? If I was captain and you got offered a bigger job in another state, which meant I’d lose my position, would you ask me to leave?” 

“I-" he stopped. 

The air in the apartment lay still as Amy’s words racked through Jake’s brain. He tried to argue, but the words died in his mouth as quickly as they were formed. Amy saw his internal struggle and grabbed his hands, rubbing her thumb in circles, something she started doing after he came back from Florida, after all the pain and the trauma. 

The caress always calmed him, but this time, it tore his heart out of his chest, because, to Jake, it felt like the end of a book; one flimsy page left before the door is closed forever. He knows that from that moment on, he will have to watch from afar as she grows away from the stratosphere and into a shining star in the sky, as she’s was always going to be. Jake wondered if he was the heavy gravity holding her down and most of all, pulling her along with him. 

His teenage heartbreak from Jenny Gildenhorn did not prepare him for this. No Eddy Fung will compare to the pain in his chest. 

He knows that this is it: this is the end of Jake and Amy. 

“Would you?” she asked again, voice cracking slightly. 

Finally, he shook his head. Finally understanding. 

\- 

And that’s how he ends up now, having to say goodbye to the only light he’s ever known. 

“I’m sorry.” She says again, her hand wraps around his and she squeezes once. 

“I can’t stop you from reaching your dream.” He reassures her and she smiles sadly. 

“You’ve never held me back, Jake. You were my biggest cheerleader and I lo-“she swallows harshly. “I thank you for that.” 

All Jake can do is watch with a dry mouth as she grabs her suitcase, the words that were lodged in her throat circle the room, unspoken but all too clear, like a thick storm cloud crackling with electricity. Jake fears he’s going to fall to his knees and beg, but he doesn’t. 

Instead, he helps her carry her suitcase to the door, his hands clammy and strange. She stands outside the threshold of their-- _his_ \-- apartment and watches him with teary eyes. After thirty seconds of staring, Jake pulls her to him, hugging her soft, pliant body. Amy shudders and hugs him back immediately, letting out little shuddering breaths. 

They hold each other for a quick minute before Amy pulls away, looking much more put together than she did a minute ago. 

“I should go.” She smiles sadly, Patches mewls next to her. Amy kneels down and rubs him behind his ears, making him purr loudly. “Bye little guy.” She grabs her suitcase, and pauses again, eyes drinking him in, taking one last look. “Bye, Jake.” Amy turns, suitcase trailing after her, letting out little squeaks. 

“Will you call?” he asks, unable to help himself and Amy turns in surprise. 

“I don’t think that will be fair.” She says and she doesn’t need to say to who. Jake just nods, not trusting his voice, and Amy turns again, her bracelet clicking as she walks. 

Suddenly, Jake is thrown back to a year and a half ago, when their roles were reversed, when he was the one who was leaving, the squeaky suitcase trailing after him. Suddenly, he’s thrown back to sitting in sunny Florida, dreaming and thinking of her. He remembers his nightly wish: to see her at least once last time. He remembers how Figgis had found him and had beaten him, almost killing him and how Amy had torn down the door just as he was about to end his life. 

Through his gaze of red and pain, he had jokingly called her his ‘valiant Maxi Pad’ and Amy had laughed, her laughter quickly turning into choking sobs. 

Most of all, he remembers how his wish had come true. 

He wonders if Amy stared after him as he does now, with a broken heart and an empty apartment. 

He also wonders if this time he’s gonna have to save her, get a bullet to his side, just as she did. He loved to trace that scar, with his tongue and his hands; the only marred skin in the otherwise caramel smoothness of her skin. He hates himself for thinking it, but he’s happy a part of him stays with her forever. 

Jake begins to make another wish, the same as in Florida, with teary eyes and fingers crossed, but it’s futile because he knows it won’t come true. 

As the elevator ‘pings’ and Amy walks inside it, one last look thrown, Jake has to hold onto the edge of the door to stop himself from launching towards her. It’s the hardest things he’s ever had to do and he once fought Jimmy Figgis with a hand tied behind his back. 

Patches rubs his leg in sympathy. 

\- 

He spills the beans to Boyle at work the next day, the words grating his throat as they force their way out. Afterwords, he ignores his look as he flips through the case file they’re working. Boyle gapes for a full minute before he even begins to speak. 

“I thought things were fine between you two. Didn’t you guys talk last week?” 

“Yeah, we didn’t.” Jake pauses, lifting his eyes to Boyle’s teary ones before he’s looking down again. “She got offered a full time job as sergeant.” 

“Is that why-" Charles gulps dramatically “-it’s over?” Jake freezes, eyes glazing over as the words ring in his ears. Sure, he knew that their relationship had ended but now that Boyle says it back to him, it hits him like a tight kick to the chest. Jake hunches over, running one hand through his hair as Boyle stares at him, perched on the edge of his desk. 

“Yeah.” He says simply. “I think the employer did it.” 

“What?” 

“On the case.” Jake replies. 

“Jake, we’re not done talking about this.” 

“Well, I am.” He raises an eyebrow, turning to a worried eyed Boyle. “It’s time to move on.” 

“It’s been less than 12 hours, Jake. It’s time to eat a lot of food and sob deeply.” 

“Already did that last night.” He adds, Boyle shakes his head. 

“I refuse to take no for an answer.” 

So, Jake lets Boyle take him to a Latvian restaurant in the shady part of Brooklyn and lets Charles ply him full of goat head. He even talks to Boyle a little bit about how Amy didn’t want to make him choose his job over her and how awkward things had been for the most part around the apartment: the long stilted silences and the fumbling conversations. He pauses halfway through, remembering the big blowout and the way they never really talked about it afterwards; how it sat, stewing, underneath everything they had piled on. 

“Every couple has it rough spots, Jake. Things would have been fine if you would have talked about it.” 

“What was I supposed to do, Boyle? Ask her to give Boston up, along with a precinct in which she does actual good, to stay in Brooklyn with me, while I’m off working my dream job? No.” Jake shakes his head. “That would be extremely selfish of me and she’d wind up resenting me for it. I think-” he pauses, hesitating. 

“What is it?” 

“I think I would have, too. You know?” he hunches over, shame blooming over his face. 

“You think you would’ve ended resenting her?” 

“I know, I know. It sounds really bad but-“Jake shakes his head again. “Never mind.” 

“Did you tell Amy about this?” 

“Why do you think she left?” he says back, a slight edge in his voice. 

“Amy knows you better than you know yourself.” Boyle replies, his eyebrows scrunched up in mutual sadness. “You two are amongst the most ambitious people I know.” Charles eyes him sadly, and Jake pokes at his goat stew. “It pains me to see you both separated. Couldn’t you try long distance?” 

“We couldn’t even do it for five months, Boyle.” 

“Mario and Julia are going to be so sad that their favorite bedtime story no longer has a happy ending.” 

“You tell your kids the story about me and Amy?” 

“It’s their favorite. They get that from me.” Boyle nods and Jake nearly smiles; Boyle had always been their biggest cheerleader, along with Amy’s dad, surprisingly. Antonio Santiago was a supportive as Boyle, albeit not as creepy, and although the man was nearly a foot taller than Jake and twice as wide, he was a huge teddy bear. The thought of not being going to watch the Mets with her dad next month makes his stomach hurt. 

“That’s the thing about fairy tales, I guess, most of the time the real story ends in tragedy.” Jake shrugs, poking his food again. 

“Or maybe,” Boyle begins and Jake turns to him at the sound of a smile in his voice. “this is merely the beginning of the second story for you two.” 

“Or maybe, it’s the beginning of another story titled ‘Jake Dies Lonely’.” 

“No, no. I have a strong faith on you two and I know you will get back together soon. I’m not going to throw away my best-man speech yet.” He raises an eyebrow and Jake sighs. 

Charles eyes him wearingly and the mood shifts a little lower. 

“You were going to propose, remember? The night she made sergeant?” Charles asks quietly, his voice hushed over the sounds of the restaurant. 

Of course Jake remembers. He remembers freaking out in Shaw’s restroom, grasping his grandmother’s turquoise ring in his hand. It took him nearly three months to have enough confidence to ask his mom for the ring—she had cried and baked him a blue cake, which he ate half of—and nearly eight months for him to finally have enough gall to actually propose. He took one deep breath and as he walked outside and met her shining eyes, he lost it. 

That was her night and it was about her accomplishments; he felt weird proposing and hijacking the spotlight away from her magnificence. 

Instead, he kissed her cheek and whispered how proud he was of her in her ear. After that, the ring sat in his sock drawer, as it did now, still awaiting the perfect opportunity. Now that opportunity would never come. 

“Yeah.” Jake rubs his face tiredly, sighing. “I have to give my mom the ring back. Oh, my god. She’s gonna ask so many questions that I don’t have answers to.” Charles eyes him wearingly and he sets a reassuring hand on Jake’s forearm. 

“What do you say we take this goat head to go and listen to some old school Toni on the way back to the station?” 

“Nah,” Jake replies. “I think I’m in a Taylor Swift kind of mood, you got any of that?” 

“What kind of best friend would I be if I didn’t?” 

Somehow, the squad finds out. Jake doesn’t know if Charles told them or if the looks of utter disappointment wears on his face. Jake concludes that Charles probably wrote about it in his blog and he doesn’t find it within him to care. It’s out there and that’s all that matters. 

Either way, he figures he must look very pathetic because Hitchcock offers him half of his sandwich, which he didn’t even do when Scully’s daughter didn’t invite him to her wedding. Jake neglects the sandwich, still full of goat head, although he does find the sentiment sweet and somewhat gross. 

He doesn’t talk to anyone but Boyle about Amy, at least not like he did with Sofia. He loved Sofia, of course he did, but his heart did not flame as hard as it did with Amy, not even a little bit. So, of course, Jake knows that they’re discussing him and Amy in the breakroom, if the little huddle they’re in is saying anything. Everybody is there: Terry, Gina, Hitchcock, Scully and Boyle. Rosa and Adrian aren’t but Jake just assumes that they’re making out in the evidence room. 

Holt comes out of his office halfway through his shift and his eyes darken at the missing employees hunched in the breakroom. 

“Everybody back to work!” He booms and they all scramble back to place. Jake eyes him in thanks and Holt nods once. It’s like Holt has a clear image of his mind and Jake feels like he most certainly does, because Holt was there those days of despair when he missed Amy a little too much. Holt— _Greg_ —had been a comforting shoulder when Jake just needed to talk about Amy’s cute binder organization tips or about how much Amy would hate his highlighted hair—which she did. “You too, Peralta. The DA just called and he wants you to rewrite every single report you’ve written in the past three weeks; your writing is atrocious.” Holt says and then he’s gone. 

Jake’s heart glows a little. 

The other person who doesn’t throw any pitying looks his way is Rosa. When the squad goes out for the drinks during the weekend, Jake sits by himself on the bar top and she eventually joins him. She sips her beer quietly and they sit in silence, like the good old days. Like when he was uncertain about proposing to Amy and she sat there as he rambled on. After three hours of his rambles, she had punched his shoulder and told him that he was being stupid. 

Rosa, with her leather clad heart, understands him better than anybody else and despite what she might say about love, Jake knows she loves just as deeply as him. 

So, after a while, he lets himself go and begins to ramble, like he always seems to do. Rosa just sips her drink and doesn’t respond as he garbles on about silken hair and deep brown eyes. As a matter of fact, it doesn’t even look like she’s listening, but it’s exactly what Jake needs. He drinks himself stupid, well after the squad is gone, and Rosa doesn’t stray from his side. She drives him home and dumps him on his sofa, patting his head like one does to a puppy. He drunkenly leans into her touch. It’s the only time he lets himself grief so openly and the feeling of utter relief is overwhelming, intoxicating him more than the beers he had in the bar. 

She says one thing before the night’s over, "I know it feels like the world has ended and perhaps for you, it is, but give it time.” 

“What am I supposed to do?” he slurs, covering his eyes from the treacherous light that burns his eyes. 

“Move on.” She says, like it’s so easy and Jake nearly snorts. 

“I can’t.” 

“It’ll take time.” Rosa says. 

“You think…” 

“No. I don’t.” Rosa says, Jake groans. “Look, Jake, I can’t guarantee that she’ll return, but if the time is right, then, perhaps. Until then, you need to take care of yourself, dude.” 

And because he’s a masochist, he asks, “What if the time is never right?” 

“Then you two were never right.” Jake falters for a second and Rosa speaks again. “But I don't think that's true.” 

“A thousand push-ups?” he mumbles. Rosa smiles for a second. 

“A thousand push-ups.” She confirms. 

“Thanks, Rosa.” He says and he means it. Rosa turns the lights off on her way out and Jake sighs in relief, both from the horrifying light and from the grief that still sits on his chest, a flame that doesn’t burn as bright as it did before.


	2. winter with a splash of spring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> new york, new years eve, hiding.

The second wave of Winter arrived hard in Brooklyn. 

Three months passed without a trace, the time slipping right through Jake’s fingers like water. Jake would be lying if he said he remembered much of it. If anything, he tried to forget it. 

Time had not been particularly kind and things were at a standstill, his life as frozen as the ground outside. 

After thirty dodged calls, he finally calls his mother back. His mother somehow knows every little detail and offers a sympathetic ear, even going as far as asking if he would like a blue cake. He declines. She doesn’t ask for the ring back but Jake feels like the question lingers in the air. 

It’s a whole week after Amy’s gone that he gets the ring out of his drawer, he marvels at the shiny blue stone and wonders if she would be wearing it had he asked her eight months ago. He daydreams that right now they’d both be sitting in his bed, planning their wedding or going over cases. 

After fifteen pitying minutes, he puts the ring away. 

He falls into a routine. 

Wake up, go to work, eat pizza and watch Master-Chef reruns until he falls asleep. It’s boring and it’s depressing but it’s his life now. Boyle stops bringing him soup every Sunday after the second month. 

The pain doesn’t go away, not at all but he learns to live with it. 

He doesn’t call her drunk and definitely not sober. No. But he does lightly stalk her online and he allows himself a pitying moment of sadness before pride overturns him because she’s _thriving_. 

He smiles proudly at the articles that commend her precinct and salute her hard work. It seems that she truly is growing into that huge shining star. There’s a picture attached to one of the articles, a picture that Jake spends half an hour staring at, a picture of her smiling widely, joy pouring out of every pore. 

Jake doesn’t know how to feel about that, but he does know what he has to do: Move on. 

He swallows down the bitter dregs of sadness and calls Gina after seeing that picture. He asks to be setup with one of her dance friends, or whoever, Jake doesn’t really care. Gina is taken aback and her voice is a soft lift as she asks if he’s sure. Jake, annoyed at the pitying note in her voice, says yes. 

He goes on the first date that weekend and after it's over, he can't help but feel relieved at the dullness of the date. After all, the Earth did not swallow him whole like he'd thought. 

When he gets home afterwards, Boyle is waiting in his living room, anxiously pacing. 

“What are you doing here, Boyle?” 

“How’d it go?” Boyle eyes him for a few seconds and he relaxes. “Okay, good. You didn’t have sex.” He narrows his eyes. “Did you French?” 

“Ugh. Please get out.” Jake says. 

“Fine, but you are telling every detail at work tomorrow.” Boyle grabs his coat, shrugging it on. “I left you soup on the stove. Please, tell me you’re going to eat it.” 

"I will not." 

Boyle glances at him once before he leaves. When he’s gone, Jake walks over to the stove and sips a bit of the soup. 

“Damn, that’s good.” He mumbles. 

\- 

Gina setups him up again and again. Jake kind of wants to ask her to stop, how he’s regretting ever asking her to, but then, he remembers Amy’s smiling face and Rosa’s words tumble in his mind. So, he goes on the dates and is not even remotely saddened about the fact that they go bad. Plus, it gives him something to do. 

It’s not exactly moving on, but it’s something. He’ll give himself credit for that. 

Two weeks into December Jake gets a visitor, a suited man in Holt’s office. Jake’s curious about the man at first but when Holt introduces him as ‘Special Agent Lopez’, he knows he’s from the bureau. He has that wormy face, after all. 

“Great to meet you, Mr. Peralta.” Jake shakes his hand. “We at the bureau know all about you and I must say it is an honor to meet you.” 

“Uhm, thanks?” Jake’s not going to lie, that’s one of the coolest things anyone’s ever said to him. Ever. Still, he’s a little hesitant. 

Lopez nods as he notices the look on his face. “I understand you’re a little confused about my being here and I think it’s best if your captain explained.” 

“Very well.” Holt begins, grabbing a tan case-file that he hands to Jake. Jake gingerly opens it. “Agent Lopez is here to ask for you help on another case.” Jake eyes dart from Holt to Lopez. 

“Your captain is right. Your reputation precedes you, especially after what happened two years ago.” 

“Figgis.” Jake mutters. 

“Yes.” Lopez nods. “The Figgis operation brought the spotlight towards you, Peralta. You’re a hell of a detective.” 

“I did nothing, though.” Jake shakes his head. “It was all Amy.” Holt and Lopez share a look, Jake doesn't notice. 

“Yes, Ms. Santiago. We heard that she’s doing great things in Boston.” 

“Not _just_ great, but amaze-balls.” Jake corrects, eyes unfocused. He shakes his head, trying to clear his head. Still, the picture from the article flashes when he blinks. “Anyway, I have no clear idea as to why you’re asking me. If anything, you should be asking her.” 

“This case is very fragile, Peralta and-“ 

“And you need someone replaceable?” Jake whips back. 

“No. Not at all.” Lopez says back automatically. “We need you because you have experience.” 

“So, what’s up with this guy?” Jake asks, sighing. He begins thumbing through the file, figuring he might as well humor the guy. He raises an eyebrow at the picture of the perp. 

“Man, he’s- uh-“ 

“Attractive.” Holt finishes. 

“I was gonna go with super-hot but that works, too.” 

“Don’t let his looks fool you, Peralta. Liam Nottingham is a notorious drug dealer.” Holt replies, leaning back on his chair. 

“There’s also claims of human trafficking and counterfeit bills.” Lopez adds with a nod. 

“It says here he’s located in Chicago. We only have jurisdiction in New York.” Jake says. 

“You do, not us. And by working with us, you will be under our umbrella, as we say back in bureau.” Lopez says. 

“So, I would have to be relocated?” 

“Yes. For several months.” 

Jake sighs, and reads over the file; money laundering, drug trafficking, counterfeit bills and even unpaid library tickets litter Nottingham’s file. Liam is the type of guy Jake loves to hunt down, the type he loves to obliterate. It's like Christmas and his birthday wrapped in one pretty bow. 

Holt and Lopez watch patiently, expectant looks on their faces. 

Jake finds a hard time deciding. Working with the FBI was amazing the first time and Jake from five years ago would have jumped at the opportunity to go undercover again, his John McClain moment once again. 

This Jake, however, is happy where he’s at, happy busting B&E’s and spending Friday nights with his cat as he watches Master-Chef Junior reruns. This Jake is not the careless person he was five years ago, jumping headfirst, no plan. This Jake thinks about Amy and how he’d never forgive himself if he got hurt while undercover. How he’d never forgive himself if he didn’t have a chance to talk to her once again. 

So, when Lopez asks him what he thinks Jake shakes his head. Lopez shoulders fall and he lets out a sigh. 

“Peralta-“ Holt begins and Lopez raises his hand to quiet his protest. Holt nods and falls back. 

“It’s fine. We knew you would have trouble trusting us again, Mr. Peralta. Especially after what happened with Mr. Anderson two years ago.”

“It’s not trust.” Jake replies. “I’ve just- there’s other people I’ve got to think about now.” Lopez nods, as if he understands and he stands. He grabs a card from his jacket pocket and hands it to Jake, who takes it. 

”My number is on that. Please do not hesitate to call if you change your mind.” Jake nods and Lopez turns to Holt. “Thank you for your time, Captain.” Holt shakes his hand. 

“I hope we’re still on for dinner this weekend.” 

“Definitely. Michael and I will be there at seven.” He opens the door. “ Have a great day, gentlemen.” He says as walks and closes the door behind him. Jake watches from the window as he makes his way towards the elevator, making a call. 

“You should’ve said yes.” 

“I can’t-“ 

“This would have been a great move for your career.” 

“My career doesn’t have to go anywhere.” Jake argues. “I’m fine where I’m at.” 

“Being a big fish in a small pond might sustain you right now but sooner or later, you’re going to see that you can be much more than that.” Holt nods towards the card. “You should keep that somewhere safe; you might change your mind.” 

“I doubt it.” Jake replies but when he’s back in his desk he studies the shiny, black card, the name and number embossed in big block letters. He crumples it, ready to throw it, but instead, he tosses it into his drawer, underneath a soggy bag of old Hot Cheetos. 

Maybe, he thinks. 

\- 

Christmas passes in a hurry and New Year’s is upon Brooklyn. 

As always, Gina has a huge party planned for New Years. When Jake was in high school, he loved to attend Gina’s parties, they were big, elaborate and a whole bunch of fun. As he grew older, however, he found it a little hard to keep up with their drunken friends. 

The last time he had gone was three years prior, but only because Amy was in Washington with her brother, whom had gotten in a car crash. He had pouted and stumbled around the party, like a child. 

Gina had grown tired with him and had said, “Oh, my god! Just go Skype her and stop dragging down the festivities with your puppy face.” 

Amy had only gone once, before they started dating, and she had spent the night shaking her head as Gina’s friends drunk themselves stupid. He had teased her mercilessly, not leaving her side for the whole night, even going as far as walking her home after. Looking back, he scoffs. 

How could he ever think that he was never hopelessly in love with Amy Santiago? 

The years in which they were together were spent at home, eating, watching movies and falling asleep before the ball dropped. New Year’s Eves with Amy were some of his favorite memories. 

This year, he has a date and for the first time in years, he’s attending Gina’s party, the biggest yet, or so she claims. Before the party, Jake stops at Shaw’s for some ‘confidence shots’, which is exactly as it sounds, it's the only way he'll be able to deal with Gina's party. 

As he awaits his two shots, someone nudges him. Jake turns and comes face to face with Fernando, one of Amy’s many brothers. 

“Jake!” he says in greeting and Jake, a little frozen, is taken aback when Fern wraps his arm around him, hugging him lightly. 

“Hey, Fern." Jake’s a little starstruck at the sight of a Santiago in front of him, despite the fact that it’s not the one he wants to see. “How are you?” 

“Great. Just came for a quick drink before I make my way to Queens; Dad is making dinner tonight.” 

“Oh.” Jake doesn’t ask if Amy’s going but the question heavily lingers in the air. “That’s..great.” 

“Yeah. And you? How’s your New Year going, dude?” At that moment, the bartender drops his drinks, Fern notices. "Starting early, huh?" 

"Oh, oh yeah. You know me." he grimaces at his awkward language. Fern just laughs and Jake awkwardly smiles. 

"Anyways, it's been a while, huh?" 

"Yeah, a few months." Jake answers, finger circling the edge of the shot glass. Fern watches him and his gaze softens. 

"Have you talked to her?" 

"Who?" he asks, trying to play dumb. Fern raises his eyebrows and Jake shakes his head, sighing. "Not since-you know." Fran nods and hesitates for a second. Jake’s stomach drops. “Is everything okay? Is she in trouble?” 

"No, not at all." 

"Okay, good." he looks away as he asks, "How is she?" 

"Boston's treating her well." 

"Yeah, I've heard." 

“I know it’s not my place to talk but-“ he pauses and Jake fingers sweat as he holds the shot glass. “Perhaps, you should talk to her. Call her or something.” 

Jake’s voice is hoarse when he speaks. “I don’t think she’d like that. She’s busy in Boston right now. Probably tackling down a kidnapper or something as we speak.” A small smile peaks from his lips and he sighs as he shakes his head. "Anyway, no, she wouldn't like that." 

“I shouldn’t be telling you this but,” Fran sighs. “Amy’s in town. She leaves on New Year.” 

“Oh.” Jake blinks rapidly, taken aback. His heart beats loudly in his chest; Jake’s unsure of what to do. A part of him wants to run to the nearest phone and call her but the other part of him wants to let her go on with her life. "Okay." he says. Fran watches him for a few seconds and sighs. 

“The Mets play this weekend; dad and I are going. You should come also.” 

“I don’t think- I’m not-“ Jake argues, tripping over his words. 

“You’ll always be family Jake.” Fran says easily and Jake’s swallows harshly and nods, his heart warming. “Plus, this will get you back on dad’s good side. He’s still pissed about you ditching him; says that’s the reason they lost that time.” 

Jake laughs, a bubble of joy busting in his chest. Fran presses a hand to shoulder, patting twice, his face sobering a little. 

“She still feeds the ducks, you know? Whenever-“ he stops and purses his lips. 

“I thought you said she was okay.” 

“And she is, but my sister is not Superwoman.” Fran says, Jake takes the first shot, grimacing at the burning of the tequila. He offers Fran the second one and Fran takes it, while Jake's eyes remain hazy around the bar, his thoughts buzzing like bees. 

After the fire has pooled in his belly, he says, "I promised that I would leave her alone." 

"I know I always gave you a hard time but I always rooted for you two." He watches Jake’s face for a few seconds, noticing the way Jake avoids his eyes, then he sighs. “Have a good New Year’s, Jake.” 

“You, too.” Jake mumbles and his mind races as Fran turns, beginning to walk towards the door. At that moment, he makes a decision. "Fran!” he turns towards Jake. "The park closes at ten, right?" 

Fran grins. “I’ll tell Papá that Amy wont be coming. Great to see you, Jake.” 

“You, too.” 

\- 

Jake finds her there thirty minutes later, as promised, feeding the ducks in the moonlight. The park is littered with drunk tourists, their laughter a soundtrack as he gazes at her. The picture did not do her justice; the picture did not capture her true beauty. 

Jake can do nothing but watch her, watch as the ducks quack over her feet, tripping over themselves to get a piece of Amy Santiago. 

So, he watches her for a few moments, feeling like a total stalker. He watches as the ducks waddle around her, quacking as she throws bread around them. After a second, he decides it’s a bit too creepy, even for him. He sidles on next to her when she runs out of bread and she doesn’t notice him until he speaks. 

“You spoil them too much.” She turns to him, eyes frozen wide. 

“Jake! What-what are you doing here?” She dips her hands into her pockets, stepping back, away from Jake. 

“I was in the neighborhood..” 

“Jake.” She says tightly, eyebrow raised. It's such an Amy move that Jake almost laughs or cries- yep, Jake's more than sure he's closer to crying. “The truth. Who told you I was here?” 

Jake sighs, Amy could always see right through him. “Fran.” Amy lets out a deep breath. 

“Chismosos...” she mutters to herself, her voice sharp and angry. She turns to Jake. “You should go.” 

“It’s a free country, isn’t it?” he argues childishly. 

“Look, Jake-“ 

“I mean, it is called the land of free for a reason, huh?” 

Amy sighs. “Fine. Then, _I’m_ leaving.” She turns, ready to leave and Jake grabs her arm quickly. 

“I…I had to see you.” He says bleakly and he’s not going to lie, the way she turns towards the ducks, wrestling her arm away from him, is the cruelest rejection he’s ever felt. The silence weighs heavy over them and Jake tucks his hands into his jacket pockets, feeling unwelcome and unwanted. Somehow that confidence shot is not doing is job and Jake regrets giving Fran other one. 

After a second, she speaks. "It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” she mumbles. Jake swallows dryly, nodding along. 

“Yep. It has.”Amy continues to stare at the ducks, he sighs. “Look, no funny business, okay? Just two friends hanging out. We've done that before, haven't we?” she glances at him and nods slightly, Jake's heart nearly jumps out his chest. "Great! Good! Cool!" Amy rolls her eyes. 

Jake tries not to just stand and stare at Amy but it's hard not to, hard not to when he hasn't seen her in so many months. Unfortunately, he notices the dark circles in her eyes, the weight she’s lost and her bitten down nails. 

“Are you okay?” he asks, remembering Fran's words. 

“Of course.” She glances at him from the corner of her eye for a second. “Why wouldn’t I be?” 

“You’re feeding the ducks and you only do it when you’re stressed.” 

“Or maybe, I just missed the ducks.” 

“Or maybe you’re lying to me.” he retorts. Amy huffs and crosses her arms. Jake's eyes soften and he says, "“You can trust me, you know? Even after everything, you can trust me. No judgement.” Amy’s eyebrows press together and then she sighs. 

“Really?” 

“Yes.” She gazes at him for a few seconds and as she talks, she looks ahead. 

“I have a decision to make and I don’t know if I want to- to do it.” Jake watches as she wrings her hands nervously. “I’m kind of _scared_ of how it’s going to play out, I mean, it’s a big decision and I don’t-“ she sighs and finishes talking. 

“What’s the decision?” he asks, heart beating fast at the thought of it having to do with New York, with him, with them. 

“I can’t tell you, Jake.” She swallows loudly. “But it’s-I mean, I’m scared”-she closes her eyes-“ that I’m gonna fail. That I’ll let them down.” Jake can't help himself and he steps forward, grabbing her hand. He begins to circle his thumb, as she always did to him and Amy looks at their conjoined hands with a surprised look on her face. 

Jake tries to ignore the way his hand burns as he grasps it in hers and begins to speak, “You won’t.” he says softly and Amy shakes her head, ready to argue. “You went against your captain’s orders and took down Jimmy Figgis, whom Adrian Pimento, one of the scariest humans, was scared of. You did that all on your own.” 

She glances at him. “That’s the thing, Jake. Back then, I had you by my side and now-“ her head tilts, the rest of her words unspoken. 

Jake ignores the selfish part of him that wants to grab Amy and kiss her, that wants to tell her, “I’ll always be by your side; just give the word and I’ll fly to Boston.” Instead, he shrugs because this is beyond him, this is about Amy. 

“And all those take-downs in Boston?” he says casually, Amy eyes him surprise. “Yeah, I stalked you online, no big deal." he shrugs. "You took down those people and I was sitting my ass down in Brooklyn. That was all you.” He grabs her other hand and links their fingers together, a movement so easy, like a wave hitting the beach. “You’re the smartest woman I know and the most kick-ass; don’t tell Rosa, though, I’m actually scared she’ll murder me.” Amy lets out a laugh. 

Jake smiles softly at her. “You’re Amy Santiago.” 

She smiles back at him, her head dipping slightly. She steps back and Jake drops his hands from hers, already missing and craving her warmth. 

“Thank you.” He nods, throat tight, and Amy watches him for a few seconds, drinking him in. “It was good to see you, Jake.” 

“You, too.” he says automatically. He doesn’t want Amy to leave once again. He wants to feed a million hungry ducks with her until the start of the next century. 

He’d feed a thousand quacking ducks for a day with Amy Santiago but she’s slowly backing up, her eyes still on him. 

In that moment, Jake allows himself to be a _little_ selfish. “Have you eaten?” 

Amy stops her in her tracks, shaking her head slowly. 

"There’s this new Polish place like two blocks down and they serve the best pierogis I’ve ever tasted.” Amy's face is hesitant. “Come on. When’s the last time you had pierogis? Like real pierogis, not that frozen crap they serve in Bawstan.” He says in his worst accent. 

Amy rolls her eyes but nods slowly. "Great!" Jake says, utterly relieved. "As a matter of fact, why don't we make it interesting? First one to eat thirty pierogis doesn't have to pay." 

He and Amy always did this: bet like children to one another. Before they dated, it was cases and one time, who could chug a whole bottle of maple syrup. (He could, all that candy for breakfast wasn't for nothing.) When they moved in together they were about different things; like whoever finished fastest didn’t have to wash dishes that night. 

Amy, having grown up in a household full of men, never backed down from a challenge. If anything, she instigated them, except when he managed to beat her. 

"Only if you want to lose." she says, her face turning playful. 

"You're on." he says, glad he's held her down from leaving, at least for a while. 

The potato in the pierogis makes his throat dry and he ends up coughing for three minutes while Amy absolutely defeats him, going as far as eating 32 piergois, just to rub it in his coughing face. After three glasses of water, he’s able to speak again. He decides to ask her about Boston, curious about the life that the articles don't cover; wanting to know about her new house, her coworkers, her life without him. 

“So, how's Boston? Apart from the obvious slaying you’re doing.” he says, a little too casual. Amy shrugs. 

“Good.” She says, dipping a piece of bread into the plate of melted butter. Jake tries not to be disappointed. “How’s the squad?” 

“Dramatic. As always.” 

“I heard Gina and Oliver got engaged.” 

“Oh, god. You got that ‘I’m engaged bitches, be jealous!' email?” 

“And the twenty pictures she attached of her wearing her engagement ring.” Amy makes a face. “And the one of her and Oliver making out.” 

“Consider yourself lucky, she sent me the rated R version.”Amy laughs and then she lays her head on her palm. 

“I feel as if I've missed so much..” 

"Want me to tell you? You might want to settle down, though, 'cause it's a whole lot, we're friends with a whole bunch of goons." 

"I've got time." she says with a shrug and Jake is unable to stop the grin leaking from his face. 

He tells her of Captain Holt and the big, elaborate wedding Gina is planning for Kevin and him. He tells her of Rosa and Adrian, who are trying to have a baby and how scared he is for the world when that baby is born. He tells her about Ava, whose favorite movie is Die Hard, which he’s shown her five times. (Don’t tell Terry) 

They talk with smiles on their faces and Jake thinks, "This is how it was supposed to be months ago. This is what we should’ve done when everything started going haywire". She grabs onto his arm and laughs loudly when he tells her about Charles and his red man thong, which he claims is a lucky charm. 

He tells her about everything and everyone, except him and what he’s been doing. 

He doesn’t tell her about the dates he’s been on and the lackluster way they’re going. Or about Gina’s friend Luna who kissed him afterwards and how he felt: like a middle schooler learning to kiss again, which he supposes is true because he hadn’t kissed anyone other than Amy for years. 

He doesn’t tell her how it felt too much like cheating on her and the sour taste in his mouth that lingered for days. 

She doesn’t speak about Boston either, but Jake tries not to notice that. 

(One thing he desperately notices, is the fact that she doesn’t remove her hand.) 

“I miss New York, you know?” she says when he’s done. “I miss the MET, I miss Captain Holt, I miss-“ she pauses and blinks slowly, her eyes turning towards the floor in a bashful look. She changes the subject. “Boston’s great but Holt was right, it _is_ a second rate city.” 

In a moment of uttermost weakness he blurts out, “Does that mean you’re staying?” 

Amy’s eyes widen and she fidgets in her seat, retracting her hand immediately. “Jake-“ she begins, voice soft as if he was a child she was comforting. 

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that.” he curses himself for turning the mood around, for making Amy retract back into her shell. Amy curls her napkin around her fingers, her fingers turning a ghastly white in her twists. Jake sighs. “Look, I’m sorry, okay? Why don’t we just go back to the way things were like five minutes ago? We don’t have to talk about Boston or about the squad.” 

Amy sighs in relief, letting the napkin go. “Good! That sounds great!” 

“Awesome! it’s eleven, there’s like an hour left till the ball drops. Shall we do something?” 

“Uhm,” Amy scrunches up her nose in thought. “Oh! I know! We can go to Times Square and laugh at the drunk tourists?” 

“Amy Santiago, you have read my mind.” Jake calls the waiter over. “Good sir, we will be taking the bill and-“ 

“ _He_ will be taking the bill.” Jake throws her a look. “Hey, you lost fair and square.” 

“She’s right.” He mutters. “Fine, add it to the debt, as well as a bottle of-“ he turns over to Amy “ _red_ wine?” Amy looks at him strangely. “Amy, we need to be drunk in order to laugh at drunk tourists; it’s like tradition!” 

“You’re right.” She nods. “One bottle of pinot grigio and one bottle of cabernet sauviogn.” 

“Yep. One bottle of pinot gringo-“ 

“Grigio.” 

“-and one bottle of cabaret.” 

“Cabernet.” Amy says with a smile. 

“Eh, whatever she said.” The waiter laughs and he leaves in search of the wine. “I always just drink the cheapest one.” 

“Oh, I remember the orange wine incident.” She grimaces. “It took me three months to get the stain out of the carpet.” 

“Fun fact. It happened again.” 

“Gross, Jake.” 

“I had to throw the whole carpet away this time.” 

“Aw, I loved that carpet.” 

“I can mail it to you, if you want. I’m sure the homeless man who lives outside wont mind.” Amy laughs. 

“Leave it to you to buy a 50 cent wine a second time.” 

“It’s called being thrifty.” 

"Says the man in debt." 

"No, Amy. Not just 'debt' but _crushing_ debt." 

\- 

Things go well as they walk side by side on Times Square, laughing at a German tourist who dances around in a speedo, sharing a salted pretzel and taking large gulps of wine. It’s when he leaves her alone for a second, his phone in her care, that things go bad. 

He watches her from afar as he waits in line for cotton candy, watches as his phone rings and she answers as she’s always done. Her face drains and Jake’s heart drops to his feet, remembering Gina’ s party, the date that awaits him. Carmen, who Jake has no doubt is talking to Amy that second. He walks over to her and she makes eye contact with him as she’s hanging up. 

He stands a few feet away from her, not wanting to break the bubble but feeling like he’s being pulled into Earth. 

“Amy-“ 

“Your phone.” She says and hands it to him. Her face is impassive, a shell. 

“She means-" Amy shakes her head. 

“Jake, it’s okay. I’ve been gone a while and things are over between us.” she says. 

“Well, yeah but tonight-“ 

“Was just two friends hanging out.” She says, looking him finally, her face softens at the look on Jake’s face. “I hope this didn’t bring some sense of false hope to you-“ 

“It hasn’t.” But even he knows he’s lying, because, he admits it, he was hoping that this would show Amy that they were in sync again. That once again, they were Jake and Amy. 

They stare at each other, both wanting to speak, both clutching words to say but none coming out. Jake clenches his teeth and Amy tucks her hands into her jacket, eyes darting around his face. 

Just then, as Amy stares at him, reminding him of their first unofficial date, hair frizzy and eyes wide, he makes a decision. Everything be damned. He knows he's being unfair but the thought of losing her yet again is too much to bare. The night sparkles around them, and the electricity zaps inside his brain, making him delirious and romantic. 

Old-Jake takes charge, no plan, headfirst, heart on the line. 

The countdown begins. 

“TEN!” 

Amy looks around, surprised. “Looks like the year is ending.” 

“NINE!” 

“A lot of things are ending.” Amy’s eyes flash to his and he steps closer to her, her eyes melt as he takes another step closer to her. 

“EIGHT!” 

"Things are always changing." she says back, eyes not leaving his. 

"SEVEN!" 

"I hate when things change, don't you?" One more step, and to his surprise, Amy steps closer, too. 

"SIX!" 

"I _really_ hate when things change." she replies, her eyes so dark on his, like two dark holes pulling him. They're close now, and Jake can feel the heat of her breath, can see the gold lining her eyes. He wants to reach out and touch her, so he does. His hand grips her hip lightly and Amy shivers. 

"FIVE" 

"Can I-?" he asks, unspoken but all too clear. Amy's eyes shine so he knows that she understands. 

"FOUR!" 

"As friends?" she asks, shrugging one shoulder. Jake almost laughs at the fact that she's still grasping at that flimsy excuse. 

"THREE!" 

“I wouldn't call us friends, exactly." he replies, hands snaking around her hips, her chest pressing to his. 

"TWO!" 

Amy makes a small movement with her head, a small nod. 

"ONE!" 

They curl into each other, like two magnets, electricity charges through both of them. 

And as the ball drops, Jake kisses Amy Santiago. 

She tastes like bubbly wine and salt, like sunshine and rain. Like heaven.Her hands cradle his face, and he tightens his hands around her waist, pulling her flush around him. He wants her close, wants to hold her close to him and never let go. Amy grabs him tighter and Jake sighs into her, feeling calm and at ease. 

Around them, the tourist scream and celebrate but Jake is deaf to the sound. His ears ring and the only thing he hears is his heart beat in his ears, a heavy crescendo of sound. It's so easy to kiss her again, to feel her curled up against him again, it's almost like breathing. 

After a second, she pulls away, her eyes wide and brown. The fireworks reflect on her eyes, making them look like two stars plucked fresh from the sky. Jake marvels at how someone can be so breathtakingly beautiful.Her hands fall to his neck, and they’re soft as she caresses his cheek. He closes hie eyes, feeling like Patches and she presses her lips to his once again. Short. Like a butterfly's wings tapping against his lips. 

Jake's heart drops, the ground falling from under him. He knows a goodbye kiss, especially from Amy and he drops his hands from her waist in shock. 

She steps back and Jake’s arms hang limply to his sides. 

“I should go.” She says. “I’m sorry, Jake, if my coming back changed your life. I didn’t mean for that, okay? I didn’t know you were, you know, dating. _God,_ ” she shakes her head and glances at him again. “You should continue.” 

“No.” he shakes his head. 

“You can’t have your life on pause waiting for me to come back, Jake. This time it’s for real. My brother shouldn't have said anything.” 

"Second chapters exist.” he says pathetically. 

“Every chapter has it’s ending.” She adds. 

“Some might say every ending is a beginning.” 

Amy shakes her head, “Those people are just being blindly optimistic.” Her eyes drift all over him, like she’s trying to memorize him and Jake does the same. “Happy New Year, Jake.” She says and she turns, hands in her pockets. 

“Happy New Year.” he says, knowing nothing will make her stay. 

And as the New Year starts, Jake watches as Amy Santiago walks away from him a second time, the night lights swallowing her whole. 

\- 

“Evidence locker, now!” Rosa tells him a month later. He sluggishly makes his way to the locker, feet dragging slightly, and Rosa closes the door after him, crossing her arms as she examines him. 

“What’s up?” 

"You’re moping around.” she states. 

“I’m not moping around.” 

“Dude, I saw you eating a carrot yesterday.” 

“What? They’re high in nutritional value!” 

“You once called them hell’s Twinkies.” 

Jake sighs, crossing his arms. “Okay, maybe I am moping a little tiny bit but it’s only because I’m really struggling with this case-“ 

“That’s a lie.” 

“Fine! My mom is dating this new guy-“ 

“Another lie.” She says, Jake sighs. “I know you saw Amy on New Year’s.” 

Jake remains silent. 

“And I also know that you haven’t spoken to her since.” 

“Okay, fine.” He sighs. “I saw Amy on New Years. We spent the whole night together and we kissed.”-he sighs-“ I thought maybe that would make her call but it’s been a whole month and she hasn’t called me.” 

“She's called me." Rosa says simply. 

“You spoke to Amy?” he steps forward, very interested. 

“I’ve been talking to her all this time.” She says simply. 

“What? Why didn’t you tell me!” he nearly yells. “Has she said anything about New Years? Or about me? How's Bo-” 

“I can’t tell you.” He sighs, ready to argue. “It’s girl code, dude. But I will tell you this, you need to stop moping around the precinct, you're even making the perps sad.” 

“I’m trying, okay? I tried to move on like you said, but that didn’t work. I tried to focus on work but I’m such a good detective that all my cases are solved.” He adds modestly, and sighs. “I don’t know what else to do.” 

“Leave." Rosa says, she hands him a crumpled card. Jake opens it and finds it’s Lopez’s, the man from the bureau. 

“Were you looking through my drawers?” 

“I hide my weapons in there, no big deal.” 

“Wea _pons_? _Plural_?” 

“Yeah, you have so much junk that I can hide things with no difficulty.” She shrugs. 

Jake sighs, finger running through the embossed name. 

“Terry told us about the FBI asking for your help again and I think you should do it.” he looks at her. “It’d be good for you.” 

“It’d be gone for a few months.” 

“I’ll miss you but you’re gonna be okay.” She says with a shrug. “Or you better be because I really want my kid to meet my bestfriend.” 

“Wait, what? You’re pregnant?” he steps forward, hand extended. 

“Yes, and if you try to touch my stomach or even congratulate me, I will make sure you never breathe again.” Jake steps back automatically, hand retracted. She nods towards the card. “Call him.” She says and turns to leave. 

"Congrats!" he calls after her and Rosa looks at him over her shoulder, her lips curling into a quick smirk and then she closes the door after her, leaving him alone in the room. 

Jake silently examines the card for a second before he grabs his phone and dials the number. The phone rings twice and then Lopez’s voice answers. 

“I’m in.” Jake says in greeting, mentally high-fiving himself for the cool greeting. “But only if I get to choose my own undercover name.” 

“Of course.” Lopez replies. “Any name you’d like.” 

\- 

The night before he leaves, he calls her, for the first time in almost five months. The phone rings ten times and then he’s greeted by her voicemail. It’s the same one that she’s had for almost a year, the one where she’s laughing as she says, “Leave a message after the beep”. He hears his voice in the background, laughing along with her. He remembers that day, Amy had been trying and failing to make a voicemail. He had tickled her as she tried, drawing out laughs and finally, after thirty tries she settled for that one. 

“Hey, I promised myself I wouldn’t call you but I-I’m gonna be gone for a few months and-“ he stops and runs a hand through his hair. “God, I still love you, okay? New Years was the best day and I-I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m glad something happened between us. Romantic Stylez. The best thing that ever happened to me. 

“I know that Boston’s being good to you and I’m happy, I really am, but that doesn’t change my feelings. You don’t have to call me back, okay? I just had to get this off my chest in case..."he stops, not wanting to imagine if this doesn't go okay, if the last time he'll ever see her is as she walks away from him. "You're the best thing that ever happened to me." he says after a second and then hangs up before he does something stupid like cry. 

\- 

Life in Chicago is easy, especially since all he does for the first few days is hang around a bar and wait for Liam to stop by. The FBI tells him that he’ll be working as a bartender and that his number one job is to get the locations that Liam works out of. They tell him that he’ll be undercover for six months, or possibly longer. For the first time in his life, Jake hopes he doesn’t catch the bad guy too quickly. 

It’s two weeks in when Liam speaks to him, asking him to make him a martini, which Jake absolutely butchers. Liam looks at him for a few seconds, then says, “You new here?" 

"Yep, just moved from Texas." 

"How are the girls down there?" 

"Sweaty." he says, remembering the only time he's been in Texas, which was all those years ago, when Amy had gone undercover. He can't help but remember the way her hair matted against her skin and the way a drop of sweat would glide down her collarbone. He manages to get himself out of his daydream when Liam laughs, extending his hand. 

"Liam." 

"Johnny." 

It's easy to fall into his circle of friends after that and it's even easier to fake money problems, not to mention, extremely easy for Liam to invite him to sell for him. Jake tells his informant and they urge him to stay, to sell for Liam, to lead them to other partners of Liam. 

Jake manages to tear down Liam's circle of friends easily. He sends the FBI to one of the locations they work at and pins the whole thing on Liam's best friend, Elias. After that, the rest of them fall like pins. Soon enough, the only friend that Liam trusts is him. Just like he wanted. 

Two months in, he invites him to his house, says his girlfriend returned from out of town and he'd love for him to meet her. Jake's a little curious, Liam had always talked about his girlfriend like she was this bright jewel, despite the fact that they had only been dating a few months. Jake figures she has to be pretty special. 

“Honey!” Liam calls, Jake walks behind him, eyes darting around as he tries to memorize the whole house, tries to merge it onto his memory, so he can draw it out for Lopez later. Liam leads him to the kitchen where a dark haired woman gives them her back. “Babe, this is my friend Johnny, the one I told you about." he turns to Jake, "This is my Dora." 

The woman turns and Jake’s entire soul freezes because looking as beautiful and as vibrant as ever, is Amy. 

\- 

Outside, a bird coos the welcoming of Spring. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't wait till canon obliterates my story:)  
> sorry for being like a week late but my professors thought it'd be funny to assign two papers based on four twenty page studies on childhood literacy:) i:) love:) school:)


	3. spring and a part of summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> undercover shenanigans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy! comment and let me know what you think

_Do you remember the summer of the rain..... You must let everything fall that wants to fall._ -Karen Fiser 

\---- 

Jake’s life has always been a series of ups and and downs, something like a rollercoaster. His father leaving: down. Getting into the academy: up. His father leaving once again: down. Getting with Amy: up. Amy leaving him and Brooklyn: down.

But this moment, when Amy is staring at him with a startled expression, when this very bad man wraps his arm around her waist? He doesn’t know what to make of it. Maybe it’s an up, because she is here but there’s that whole bad guy grabbing her waist angle and that doesn't look too well. 

Unfortunately for him, he doesn’t have a whole lot of time to think about it because Liam speaks.

“So, this is my Dora. Isn’t she just the best?” he asks and Amy lets out an awkward chuckle, her eyes turning towards the floor. (That’s another thing, the whole Dora thing. What the hell?)

“Yeah, totally.” he says, nodding.

“This is my friend Johnny that I told you about.” He tells Amy. “The bartender who makes those horrible martinis.”

Jake laughs robotically, the ‘ha-ha’s grating his throat. Liam grins at him, remaining aloof.

“Yep, that’s me.” He replies, heart beating like a drum in his chest, a rhythmic bang.

“Great to meet you.” Her voice is soft, warm like velvet, just as he's remembered.

Jake can’t take his eyes off of her and neither can she from him. She gives him that wide-eyed stare, the shocked expression that he replayed all those nights while undercover.

_DoraDoraDoraDora_ , he thinks in time with his heartbeat.

“Ah, she’s shy.” Liam laughs loudly, making Jake jump a little. “But you get two drinks in her and she won’t stop talking.”

Trust me, I know. Jake thinks. Amy seems to think the same because her face reddens, starting from the tippy tops of her ears, just as he’s always remembered.

“Yeah, I, uh, I bet.” Liam grins and his kisses the top of her hair. 

“Anyway, we should get going.” He nods towards Jake and Jake nods, disappointed to be getting away from Amy, when all he wants to do is stay and ask her what the hell she’s doing here and why the hell this man is calling her Dora. “I’ll call you later, babe.” Liam says and his arm unwraps from her waist. Amy nods, still staring at Jake.

Jake snaps himself out of it when Liam pats him on the shoulder as he makes his way to the door.

“Nice to meet you.” Jake says, unable to stop himself, just wanting to speak to her. Amy nods.

“Nice to meet you, too.”

He allows himself one more resisting stare and then he turns, following Liam.

As he walks through the threshold, he turns back once, catching her eyes on him.

One thought runs through both of their minds: _What are you doing here?_

\--------

A loud bang in the middle of the night startles Jake. He walks towards the door, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes but it melts away as soon as he opens the door and finds Amy Santiago standing outside.

“Hey.” she says in greeting, hands tucked into her jacket pockets.

“Hey.” he says, a little dazed and fully, fully awake. “What-what are you doing here?”

“I-uhm, got your address from Liam’s book. I think we should talk.” 

“Yeah, come in.” she walks inside, and looks around his apartment. It’s silly, but he’s a little embarrassed at the cracking walls and lack of decor around his apartment. He closes the door after her and he stands awkwardly as she smiles tightly at him. “Sooo.”

“We’re both undercover.” she states.

“Yeah, obviously.” 

“And I’m assuming that they didn’t tell us for one reason or another.” she says.

“Yeah, I wonder why.”

“Maybe they have different plans for us?”

“Or maybe they’re just idiots.” he says with a shrug. Amy throws him a look. “What? It’s true. How does one forget to tell their undercover cops that they’re supposed to work together?” 

“I don’t know.” she says with a sigh. “So, what do we do now?”

“Call Lopez?” he offers and Amy nods.

“Yeah, he should have some answers.”

“I would hope so.”

Jake sits on the sofa as she calls Lopez, watching her as she talks on the phone. It feels surreal, like a dream but it isn’t. Because Amy is really standing inside his apartment in the middle of the night and she’s really wearing that jacket he got her for her birthday last year- with the help of his mom, of, course.

He’s restless throughout those three minutes that she’s on the phone, wanting nothing else but to call Boyle and let him know of this new advancement. Ask him for advice on what the hell to do.

But maybe it’s not the best idea because he’d probably cry throughout the whole call.

Rosa, on the other hand, would be level-headed and clear. She’d probably say something like: _stop being an idiot making up fake scenarios and talk to her._ Okay, that sounds about right, he thinks.

He clears his throat and walks over to her just as she’s finishing her call.

“So, what’s happening?”

“He’ll be here in thirty.” she says. 

“Okay. Do you want some coffee?” he offers. She nods.

“Three sugar-”

“I remember how you drink your coffee, Amy.” he says automatically and cringes afterwards. Amy just bites her lip and turns to the floor. “Sorry, I-”

“I’ll sit on the sofa.” she says and he nods.

The coffee takes three minutes to brew and there’s an awkward silence for the 27 minutes left afterwards. Jake yearns to fill the silence with chatter or anything at all but he fails to find anything to talk about. 

Well, he does find something he wants to ask about.

(Here’s a hint: It has to do with Dora.)

And he almost does ask her, almost blurts out the question, but there’s a knock on the door and Amy rushes over to answer it and he loses his chance. 

“Hello, sir.” She chirps in a energetic way that Jake knows does not come from the cheap coffee he just brewed.

 _Oh, no._ he thinks, _She’s found another Holt._

Lopez sits in front of them both, on a rickety old chair that came with the apartment.

He doesn't let any second go to waste and begins to explain everything. Everything from the very, very beginning to the time right then and now. Amy listens diligently and Jake struggles to stay concentrated, all too flustered by the scent of lavender that invades his senses.

He tells them that originally he had requested them both but that his director neglected the request, not wanting to bring in two police officers into an FBI investigation. So, he stayed with just Amy, especially after Jake neglected him.

“It’s my job, as recruitment officer, to find fresh, new faces and bring them to our team. I've had my eye on you two for a long time, since before Figgis, as a matter of fact.” he says.

"That's very humbling, sir." Amy blurts out.

“Wait, but how did you get both of us on here? I thought your officer denied your request.” Jake asks.

“Well, Mr. Peralta. All I needed to do was prove that Liam was worse than originally thought and Miss. Santiago did just that.”

“Wait? What?.” she asks.

“We’ve always had an inkling of suspicion that Liam was involved with Dan Lee.”

“The human trafficker.” Amy says, her eyes widening with child-like endearment. Jake turns to hide his smile. “I proved that?”

Lopez nods. “You told us the location of his Olympia location and our team caught one of Lee’s men there.” Amy sits up straighter, if even possible, a self-confident smile on her face.

“So,” Lopez says, moving on. “when you called me, Mr. Peralta, I had enough evidence to incorporate you into this mission as well.”

“That still doesn’t answer why you neglected to tell us both of the other being here.” Jake argues. 

“I’m pretty sure you had our best interest at heart, sir.” Amy replies.

Lopez sighs, pursing his lips slightly. “It pains me to say that we did not. Now, it is important for you both to understand that this next part I did not agree with but my director insisted.” Amy freezes and Jake does, too. “He thought that it would be best to not let the other know of the others hand in the operation and then see who got farthest in terms of information. We did an operation like this in ’89 and it became one of our biggest drug busts in the history of the bureau.” Lopez shakes his head. “However, I did not agree then and I did not agree now. I fought hard against it but it was one of his requests.”

“Oh.” Amy blinks quickly and Jake’s eyebrows furrow.

“So you were going to kick one of us out of the investigation…”

Lopez nods. “We didn’t count on you two finding each other, at all. Liam is a very private man and he tends to keep his personal and private far away.”

“He’s right. Liam hasn’t introduced any of his friends to Dora and he’s only told her that he owns a business but didn’t tell her what business he owns.” Amy adds.

“So what happens now?” Jake asks, a pang in his chest. “Is one of us leaving?”

“No.” A small smile peeks from Lopez’s face. “Quite the opposite; you’re both going to be working together. My director is proud of how far both of you are going and wants you two to continue. I know that when you started this operation, we only wanted Liam and by adding Lee on top it’s a bigger responsibility. But by cracking down Dan Lee, we’re ending a decade long search.” Lopez darts his eyes over both of them. “So, I guess my question to you both is: are you in?”

Amy turns to him, finding his eyes already on hers. She raises one of her shoulders, a half-shrug as she asks “Partners?”

Jake deliberates for a second. He hesitates for a second but when he thinks of that voicemail and the reason to why he said no to Lopez the first time, which now sits next to him smelling of lavender, he makes his decision.

“Partners.”

And that’s how, nearly eight months later, Amy Santiago and Jake Peralta work together again.

Lopez leaves after a while, not before saying he'll be in touch for a game plan pretty soon. Jake turns to Amy, who now that Lopez is gone, avoids his gaze.

"So, how funny is it that-"

"Have you ever thought of repainting?" she asks.

"What?"

"The walls are falling apart and that paint is just so ugly-" she looks at him from the corner of her eye. "I mean-"

"Amy-"

"A nice coat of paint will do it nicely or maybe even some wallpaper? Although, you'd have to sand it down really nicely to get a smooth finish because if not, you're gonna get a totally ugly blotchy mess but then again, anything is better than that ugly wall."

"I know what you're doing, Amy."

She swallows thickly and looks at him from the corner of her eye. "It's not working?"

"Not exactly. I think you're forgetting that I've known you for over ten years." 

She sighs and finally turns to him. "Fine. I was stalling."

“Why?”

“Because I know what you’re going to ask.” she says and sighs. “I know you’re going to ask about Dora and about Liam and about this whole operation and I just don’t want to talk about it.”

Jake pauses, watching as she avoids his gaze, her fingers digging into his broken down sofa for her dear life.It reminds him of that time when he returned undercover and the fear that sprang in her eyes as he talked to her in the evidence room, like she was scared of what was going to come out of his mouth, like she was scared what it was going to do her.

So, he does the same thing that he did that time.

“I wasn’t.” He lies. “How ‘bout we make a deal like the one in the park? We don’t talk about anything personal. We’re just two coworkers working a case.” She relaxes, letting out a deep sigh. 

“Yes. That sounds good.” she nods. “We can just talk about the case. No funny business.”

“Yeah.” he nods and clears his throat. “So, this case. You have a game plan?”

“Only a small one.” she shrugs with nonchalance.

“Can I see it?”

“Sure.” She digs into her purse and brings out a black binder, with color coded tabs and dividers.

“Wow. Amy, that’s not small.” 

“Yeah, it is.” 

They pour over her plans for hours and they’re much more detailed than anything the FBI will ever produce and it warms his heart. She leaves when he starts to yawn, and Jake falls asleep with the scent of her shampoo surrounding his apartment like a cloud.

\---

All in all, things with Liam continue as they’ve always been. Jake continues to sell for him and even though he acts a little awkward in front of him at first, Liam doesn’t seem to notice. He does, however, warn him against telling Dora about his job, telling him that it’s for her own good but not before hinting that it’s for Jake’s own good as well.

He brings Jake around his house often and Amy’s not there usually. Liam tells him that she’s at yoga, which Jake knows is a total lie because Amy is the most inflexible person he’s ever met. 

But when she is there, she avoids looking at him and instead hides out in the bedroom, probably thumbing through her book collection as she used to do whenever he and Rosa watched the game at their apartment.

It’s so strange to see her as often as he does, to hear her voice and for it to not just be a memory. The familiarity of it all almost makes him cry.

\----

Jake laughs when he remembers Rosa’s last words to him, about leaving to forget the very same person that he’s being asked to with. He wonders if this was this universe’s plan or perhaps even Rosa’s. 

He wonders if Rosa even knew that Amy was going to be here, if Amy even confided in her. If she did, Jake owes her the world or maybe some baby nun chucks for her unborn child.

However, he can’t help thinking of after. He can’t stop reminding himself that this operation is not forever but a temporary assignment. 

\--

At their next meeting with Lopez, is when he tells them that the operation is a ‘go’ and they’re on to follow Liam. They spend three hours mapping out his usual tracks, planning for next Thursday. Lopez says he’ll be in New York but he’ll leave it in their capable hands.

(Amy looks like she’s about to explode when he says that.)

She looks over at him, when Lopez is gone and their coffee mugs are empty, with a thoughtful expression. “Aren't you scared?”

“Of Liam?” He shakes his head. “Not particularly. Well, at least not for myself.”

 _Only for you_.

Amy fiddles with her pencil and stares down at the page. “I'm just saying Jake, that Liam can be sort of... _difficult._ ”

Jake sits up and leans closer. “Did he do something to you?”

“What? God, no! He's never hurt me but I've heard him answer the phone when-when he's talking to one you guys-and _God_ , when he gets angry it's, I don't know, terrifying,” she shivers.

“He’s never yelled at me specifically.” His mind travels to Elias and the way that Liam treated him after the FBI struck down on one of their houses.

Back then, Jake didn’t really pay attention, didn’t really find it within himself to care about some man he didn’t know.

But now, he thinks of Amy, who lives in the same house of him, breathes the same air and he chastises himself for being so stupid.

Amy turns to her paper again, beginning to draw out what Jake figures is his schedule. “Amy,” she turns to him. “if he did something, you'd tell me, right?”

“Of course.” She nods, her eyes widening. “Would _you_?”

“Definitely.”

\--

They meet at his apartment that Thursday. He hands Amy a black long sleeve shirt he bought her. She raises her eyebrow at him, noticing he’s wearing the same one.

“What?”

“I’m not wearing this.”

“We need to blend in, Amy.”

“I’m not playing your little game; I know you want us to look like spies. This is a serious operation.”

“Oh, come on. We’re gonna look so badass.” He argues and she rolls her eyes.

“Jake,” she says with a sigh, crossing her arms. “Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t have throwing stars hidden in your pockets.”

“What-I would _never_ -”

“Give ‘em to me.” He sighs but hands them over. “And the nunchucks, too.”

After Amy agrees to put on the shirt if he promises to shut up, they follow Liam from his house to a warehouse in the shady part Chicago. They sit in the car, listening to the quiet chatter of the Chicago radio hosts. It’s quiet and calming. It reminds him of the good old days, before Holt and everything else but them. It even reminds him of that first non-official date of theirs in the rooftop, down to the huge bag of peanuts he devours.

Even though they find nothing on him that night, Jake wouldn’t completely call it a draw. He drives them back to his apartment and she turns to him before she gets off his car.

“Next Thursday?”

“Next Thursday.”

Jake begins to look forward to those nights more than ever, despite how little they find out on Liam.

(The only thing worth mentioning is his strict vegan diet, that’s not all that bad guy behavior, if anything, it’s only kind of odd)

They don’t talk about personal things and Jake doesn’t ask about her life with Liam, trying desperately to not think of them together or about his lips on her skin. Not that Amy tells him anything, either.

They spend the quiet nights talking about mundane things, nothing of importance. Just the weather and why the hell Liam wears such ugly Tommy Bahama shirts.

“Hey, you never did tell me how you got away from him.”

She looks at him from the corner of her eye. “He thinks I’m visiting my aunt Susan every Thursday.”

“And he’s not even moderately suspicious of your aunt that he’s never met?” Amy hesitates. “Wait, Amy please don’t tell me that you paid someone to pretend to be your aunt.”

“Maybe. No.” she shakes her head. Jake throws her a disbelieving look and she sighs. “Fine, I did.”

“Oh, my god!” he laughs loudly.. “I can’t believe you _hired_ someone!”

“Shut up!” she growls and she leans over and pinches him.

\----

Its three weeks in when something changes. Instead of going his usual way, Liam turns around, going the opposite way in the city. He drives for thirty minutes and Jake and Amy follow him diligently. Finally, he pulls into a warehouse. Jake and Amy park down the street, watching as he gets out and looks both ways before opening the door.

“Should we go, too?” he asks.

“No. Let’s stay here.”

They watch for a while and after ten minutes, a white car pulls up. A man walks out of the car, a black suitcase in his hands. Liam opens the door for him and closes it tight after.

“Did you get a good look at him? Was that Lee?”

“No.” she squints. “I don’t know who that is.” she turns to him. “I saw we stay here and watch them.”

“Yeah. I agree.”

They sit for thirty minutes, anxiously awaiting any action from beyond the door. Nothing happens.

“I wonder what they’re doing in there.” she mutters, pressing her binoculars closer to her eyes, as if they’ll help her see through the walls.

Finally, Liam and the man step out. Liam looks both ways before closing the door and the other man gets into his car without a second look. Neither is holding the suitcase. Jake and Amy slide down their seats, hiding as they both drove away, each going opposite ways.

They turn to one another when Liam turns to the right.

“Let’s go.” They tread lightly over the other side of the street, looking both ways for something suspicious. Jake curses when he finds the door locked.

He turns to her.

“Step back.”

“Jake! What are you going to do?” She asks, watching as Jake peels off his light jacket, wrapping it around his hand. She grabs his arm, halting his progression as he raises his fist to punch the window. “Are you insane? You're gonna alert him of us being here.”

“I was just going to punch the window, Amy.”

“He might have an alarm on.” her eyebrows pinch together in annoyance. “Then what would’ve you done?”

“Fine. What do _you_ suggest?”

“Move.” She pushes him aside and digs into her tightly wound bun, pulling out a bobby pin. Jake watches as she bends it open, stretching it into one long straight line. She jams it into the lock, twisting and turning. She only stops when they hear a satisfied “click”. “I learned that from Gina.” she says over shoulder.

“Noice.”

The door creaks as they open it, revealing a large, empty room with cracked white walls. There are three chairs in the room surrounding a black table. The chairs are pulled back, as if they were used recently. A white dresser leans against one of the walls. There’s a door on the other side of the warehouse, the door that leads towards the alley.

“What is this place?” Amy turns around, drinking in every inch of the room. Jake does the same. “Has he brought you here before?”

“No. Never.”

“Close the door, I don’t to alert anyone of us being here.”

Jake nods, the door clicking after him.

“I wonder what it’s that drawer.” he says, pointing.

“It’s locked.” Amy answers when she tries. He walks over to her.

“Try your bobby pin trick.”

“It’s not a trick.” she mutters but begins to try nonetheless.

“I know, I know. It’s a gift.”

She rolls her eyes, letting out a gasp when the drawer opens. She turns to Jake with wide eyes and he grins back.

“Jackpot.” he mutters, spotting the black suitcase. They put it on top of the table, turning to one another before opening. “Do you want to open it?”

She nods, her eyes a little manic. They both take deep breaths, bracing themselves to what could possibly be one of the most important parts of the Liam puzzle.

“What-”

“They’re-”

“-just headshots.” he finishes. Jake’s eyebrows crinkle and Amy sighs.

“What the hell?”

“This is so weird.” she thumbs through them, sighing. “Why do you think he kept these here?”

“Maybe he has a weird fetish?” He shrugs. “I don't know. Not going to lie, this is kinda lame. I thought we'd found something big.”

“Me, too. This whole operation has been a bust. I might actually miss door-duty.”

“Okay. I don't miss it that much.” He replies.

“We should take a picture, right? To show to Lopez?”

“Yeah that sounds smart.” Amy snaps a picture of the snapshots and Jake takes a walk around, perplexed at the emptiness of the warehouse. He tries to go back into his mind, trying to remember any conversations that he had about weird warehouses with suitcases filled with pictures.

Nope, lots of poker talk but no talks of empty warehouses in the shadiest part of Chicago.

Amy closes the suitcase and puts it back into the drawer. Jake stops his movement.

“Shh.” They pause. Amy eyes him with wide eyes. It's quiet for a second or two then Jake relaxes. “Sorry, I thought I heard something.” He shake it off. “Anyways, it's always been this lame. At least the last time I went undercover.”

“Yeah, I think we all know that the Iannucci’s made you pick up their dry cleaning.”

“Yep. Anyway-” there's a clack to the north of the warehouse and Jake grabs Amy's arm. She gapes at him, fear running through her eyes and Jake brings his index finger to his lips. She nods.

They stand still for a moment, ears desperately digging at whatever sound they can get. There's a beat of silence. No other motion or sound, apart from the ones in their hearts. They start to relax when the sound of a screeching car is heard from the northern entrance of the warehouse.

“Run! Run!” He pushes her and she stumbles, shaking her head.

“I can't leave you here!” She tries to grasp his arm and he grabs her shoulders.

“Amy, _please._ You need to leave!” He says close to her face. He pushes towards the back door.

“ _Please_.” His voice cracks a pinch and she nods, her own breath coming out quick and short.

She turns, tripping a little over her feet. There's a sound of car doors being opened and the whisper of voices. Jake just stares at Amy as she runs, looking over shoulder at him as she opens the back door. He nods and she disappears through it.

 _Please, please, please let her get away._ He thinks.

The door opens with a bang. Jake sighs and turns, smiling widely.

“Hello, fellas.”

Liam and three men stand at the entrance. They’re all wearing dark expressions as they gaze at Jake.

“What are you doing here, Johnny?” Liam asks darkly.

“Well, I was in the neighborhood-“

“The truth.” Liam asks.

“That is the truth. I heard that this part of Chicago has really great real-“

Liam snaps his fingers and the two men grab onto his arms, pinning them to the back. Jake struggles for a second and they grab him tighter, he lets out a grunt of displeasure.

_Please, please, please let her be far away._

Liam raises his fist and punches him in the face. Jake’s entire body shakes at the blow and he gasps at the pain that envelops his whole face.

“Now are you gonna talk or are you gonna continue to be a smart aleck?” he says and Jake doesn’t answer. He punches him again, this time in the stomach and he tries to make sense of what Liam is saying as his ears ring. He receives blow after blow and after several he finally talks.

“Fine! Fine! I’ll talk!” Liam stops and leans back. “I followed you here, okay?”

“Why?”

“I thought-I thought you were lying about the big Alistair order and I needed to make sure you weren’t.”

“Look, Johnny, you stay in your place and I stay in mine.” he says, getting close to his face. “ _You_ work for me.” Jake struggles to not spit in his face, deciding to keep his face blank as Liam talks. “You know, usually we’d have to kill you for following us but- I don’t know what it is.” he says with a deep fake sigh. He snaps his fingers. “Oh, I know! It’s Dora. She makes me _softer_ , makes me actually give a shit.”

Jake’s entire world freezes at the world ‘kill’. Liam leans back and snaps his fingers.

“Do it, fellas.”

\-----

“Don’t say anything.” he says and Amy nods, her hands fluttering around her chest. She swallows thickly and Jake winces when his eye throbs. “It looks worse than it is. I promise.” He adds not only for good measure but for her sake. Amy remains worry-eyed.

“Maybe this was a bad idea.” she murmurs, stepping closer to him. “Maybe I should’ve stayed. I really doubt he’d have hurt you if I was in the same room as you.”

“He’d would’ve done worse.” Jake interjects, grabbing onto his bruised jaw. “You shouldn’t even be here, Amy. He can’t know anything about us. He already doesn’t trust me and I have a feeling that things are about to get worse.”

She sighs and walks closer to him.

“You wouldn’t answer your phone.”

“Aw, you were worried about me?”

“If you’re asking if I was scared that you were murdered by a mobster, then, yes.” she eyes him for a moment. “Although, it looks like I wasn’t far off.”

He just hums in reply, it hurting too much to open his mouth. Amy looks at him for a second.

“I’m fine, Amy.” he grunts, wincing as he opens his mouth.

“We should take you to the hospital or somewhere.”

“No. No hospitals.” He gasps, wincing at the stinging pain as he breathes in. “They'll know and we can't-”

“ _Jake_ , you're being ridiculous.” Amy shakes her head. Jake glances over at her.

“ _You're_ being ridiculous.” He argues and she sighs.

After a second, she walks to the kitchen. When she’s finally out of the room is when Jake lets himself relax, groaning silently at the pain going over his body. He hardly registers anything around him as he adjusts himself in the sofa. He’s shaking hard, feeling his bones shake inside his body.

Regardless of the pain he’s in , he’s eternally thankful that she’s safe and sound, no hair out of place. The moment when she walked into his apartment and Jake saw her face unmoored, unblemished is singlehandedly the most relaxing moment in his life.

(Better than the time Boyle made him attend a spa and they got a couple’s massage.)

He doesn’t even notice when she walks back into the room, doesn’t even notice when she stands in front of him, holding a damp washcloth.

“Atleast let me clean it.”

He swallows thickly and nods, scooting over on the couch.

“Don't move.” She hisses and he stops. She leans over the edge of the sofa, helping his lay his head on the armrest. Her hand rests on his shoulder and Jake sighs, closing his eyes.

She begins with a soft pressure and Jake cringes a little, a slight hiss coming out of his mouth. She stops almost immediately and Jake nods when he’s ready for her to continue again. She wipes slowly and deliberately, her eyebrows furrowed together in concentration.

“I botched the operation, didn’t I?” he mutters.

“Maybe.” she says with a shrug. “We’ll call Lopez tomorrow and see what’s up.”

“We can call him tonight.”

“Jake, you’re about to pass out. No, we’ll call him tomorrow.”

He sighs and she continues to clean.

“I’d rather it happen to me than you.” he mutters after a few moments and her hands stop, the pressure growing lighter and lighter until the cold cloth no longer touches his eye. He glances at her and Amy’s watching him with those wide eyes, her heart at the base of her throat. Her other hand remains on his shoulder and Jake’s own hand snakes over hers, squeezing it lightly.

The air grows thick, like a simmering fire and the thickness of the atmosphere almost chokes Jake but not as much as the look in Amy’s eyes. Her eyes are soft, something blooms within them and she looks away. When she turns back to him, it’s gone.

“Let me finish cleaning.” She says, her voice softer, and Jake relaxes into the sofa again, his hand not leaving hers. She doesn’t move hers either.

Afterwards, she helps him change into something softer than the black shirt he’s sporting. There’s nothing sexual about it, nothing sexual about the way she pushes his hair to the side as she slips the shirt over his head. Either way, Jake can’t help but shiver.

She helps him hop into bed, tucking him in tightly like a child. She also helps him swallow down three ibuprofens and then Jake closes his eyes, relaxing onto the soft bed.

Then she turns, turning off the light as she leaves.

“Amy-” he interrupts, one eye cracking open, his one good one, and she stops but doesn’t turn. “I’m glad you got away safely. I’d-I’d walk through fire if it meant you didn’t get hurt.”

Amy pauses, her breath coming a little faster, Jake notices. She looks over her shoulder at him and it might just be the hallway light but her eyes glisten with something like tears.

“We said we wouldn’t talk about it.” she mutters.

“I’ve never been particularly good at keeping my promises, have I?” he retorts and Amy lets out a small smile.

“Goodnight, Jake.”

“Goodnight.”

He falls into a dreamless sleep.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the poem in the beginning is by Karen Fiser and i found it on "aristotle and dante discover the secrets of the universe". (it's a great lgbt novel! i highly recommend it)  
> 


	4. fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the end of a decade but the start of an age (did i steal that from t swift? yea)

The days grow shorter with the evaporation of summer and the leaves fall into a crackling sea.

-

It’s been two months since he’s hurt himself and his body is filled with light yellowing bruises that only hurt when he presses his finger to them, something he does pretty often.

Things were Liam were not great, his trust in Jake wavering heavily. He no longer treated Jake like the trustworthy confidant. Instead, his narrowed eyes followed Jake everywhere and sent him on week long excursion on the other side of Illinois.

Far, far away from Chicago.

During those weeks that he was away, he thought of Amy. He hadn’t spoke to her since he had mumbled those words in his pain addled state of mind. He had seen her once in town but she was with Liam and all he could do was stare like an idiot. 

He couldn’t help but feel like she was avoiding him.

The next day, he waited for her to call Lopez together, but she didn’t show.

She just sent him a text that read ‘called Lopez, he should be there soon.’ He asked if she was coming as well and she replied with a simple ‘no’. 

“The bureau thanks you.” Lopez told him and Jake nearly scoffed. As if he’d gotten the daylight beat out of him for the _bureau_.

“You don’t think I destroyed the investigation?”

“No, you were quick on your feet.” Lopez had said. “And as far as the pictures go, I do not think they’re a clue in the puzzle that is Dan Lee but I’ve got my men looking into that location you’ve told me about.”

Jake nodded.

“I’ll see you around, Mr. Peralta.”

\--

It’s when Liam sends him on another shipment that he finally breaks the two month silence between Amy and him. Even their nightly excursions had stopped, with him being so far away and all.

So, after the shipment’s done, he takes a bus three cities away and calls her on a payphone. His heart beats in his ears as the line rings twice and then her voice calls out hello.

“Amy.” he says

“ _Oh_.” She says, her voice softening a little. Jake listens as she clears her throat lightly and he just knows that Liam’s around, something that had escaped his mind. 

“He’s there, isn’t he?”

“Yep. I’m just here at home. Where are you?”

“In Illinois. I know I shouldn’t even call but I-I just had to make sure you were okay.” he pauses. “You _are_ okay, right?”

“Yes.” she answers.

“Good.” he sighs.

“And you?” she asks, her voice a whisper. “Are you?”

“Yes. I’m okay”

She lets out a breath of relief. “Good.” She then clears her throat. “Anyway, I’ll see you this Thursday, Monica.”

“Wait, Amy. Are we going to follow him again?”

“No.” she says simply. “I’ll see you-”

“Wait, I’m really confused.”

“I’ll explain everything then.” she says, a little annoyed. 

“Okay.”

“See you, Monica. Make me that peach tea that I love.” she says and hangs up.

Jake laughs and is left on the other side of Illinois holding a payphone with a smile so wide it can crack his face. 

-

Amy doesn’t even let him speak when he opens the door, she just walks in. Her hair is braided back tightly and she’s dressed in all black, wide-rimmed black sunglasses rest on her face, despite the fact that it’s dark outside.

“Are you wearing a disguise?” he asks, closing the door and watching as she peeks over the window of his apartment.

“Yeah.” She turns to him and tears off her glasses, not even giving him enough time to drink her in. “I think he’s following me.”

“What?” he steps closer to her in alarm. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. I’m fine” She placates. “But I think he suspects that Dora has something going on.” She says rapidly. “When I got back that night from being here, he was already waiting for me. I think that the whole thing with you made him jumpy and he asked me a bunch of questions.”

“What?”

“Yeah.” she says with a tired little sigh. “It was these weird questions about mundane things; like traffic and the buildings. I think he was trying to trick me or something.” 

“Wow.” Jake blinks rapidly, letting the words soak in his brain.

“Yeah.” Amy licks her lips. 

“And how have things beens since then?”

“He’s been really clingy, almost unbearably so.” she rolls her eyes. “That’s why I haven’t spoken to you or even called you. He’s checking everything.”

“He hasn’t done anything, right?”

“Oh, God. No.” 

“Good. That’s good.” he says in relief. “Man, I guess that I shouldn’t have called you, huh?” 

“No, it was fine. I needed you to reach out to me because I can’t really reach out to you.” she says. “But, Jake, he told Dora _everything_.”

“Everything _everything_?”

“Well,” she hesitates. “Not about Lee but everything else, the stuff that Dora didn’t know before.”

“Wow, why do you think that is?”

“I don’t know.” she shrugs, her eyes bright. “How did you get him to trust you in the beginning?”

“I made him not trust his friends anymore.”

“Maybe this means he doesn’t trust you now.”

“He really doesn’t.” he glances at Amy. “This is a big advancement, you know?”

“How?” she furrows her eyebrows in confusion. “He doesn’t trust you, Jake.”

“Yeah, but he trusts you now.” he says, slowly grinning. “Amy, no good bad guy tell his girlfriend about his evil plans. Have you learned nothing from Hollywood?”

“Well-”

“He’s cracking.” he says. “There’s no one left to trust. None of his friends, nobody else.”

Amy pauses, everything soaking through her and she slowly begins to smile.

“Do you think we’ll get Lee soon?” she asks enthusiastically.

“Yeah. Definitely.” he nods and then they’re grinning at each other. “You need to milk this whole just trusting you thing, Ames.”

“Yeah.” she nods. “I will.”

“We need to get as much information on Lee as we can get. I think the FBI is getting anxious.”

“Okay.” Jake stares as her eyes turn far away and thoughtful.

Then, Amy’s face turns almost crestfallen. 

“What’s wrong?”

“You _do_ know what this means, Jake?”

“It means we’re one step closer.”

“No. This means we can’t talk anymore, at least for a while.”

“Wait, what?” he had just gotten her back from two months and now he was losing her again? That was not cool in his book. “Why?”

“Think about it, Jake. He can’t suspect anything is going on and I mean, he already suspects something. We can’t give him any more reasons.”

Jake hesitates, thinking it over. Then he nods, because if Liam really is working with Lee and he really is trafficking real people, they need to crack him down and _fast_.

Jake’s good at waiting- he'd been waiting for her to come back to him for nearly a year.

“Okay.” Amy says, a little relief in her voice. 

“ But what if we need to talk or something? Like if we have a really big clue?”

“Then we’ll call each other but only for emergencies.” 

Amy stares at him for a few seconds, noticing the yellowing spots over his body.

“You’re not bruised anymore.”

“No. not that much.”

“Good.” She says with a nod. “I was worried about you and how you were healing.”

“I'm a big boy.” He replies.

“Says the guy who makes me hold his hand when he gets a shot.” She mumbles jokingly and Jake cracks a grin for a second and then it’s gone.

“So,” he begins. “See you in a couple of weeks?”

Amy gazes at him, as if reading his thoughts and she turns to floor as she nods.

“See you in a couple of weeks.”

-

For the most part, things continue as they’ve always done. Jake puts all his focus into his job with Liam and talks to Lopez every Sunday, who tells him that Liam hadn't gone to that warehouse since that day.

Lopez talks to him over coffee one day.

“Peralta, it seems like this operation is slipping through our fingers. We need something big to happen and stat.”

“I’m trying my best and Amy is-“

“I know you both are but thing is-“ he sighs. “my director is getting restless.”

Jake nods as his mind begins to drift. Lopez notices his face and his own softens.

“You’re doing a good job, Peralta; you and Amy.” Jake meets his soft brown eyes. “We just need a bit of Lee;give us that and the case is back on track.”

Jake nods, making his mind up.

“I’m still waiting on the pictures and I honestly think they’re something.”

“What if the pictures they’re nothing?” he asks.

“I doubt it, Mr. Peralta. This is the puzzle piece we’ve all been searching for.” Lopez says in a placating matter.

Jake seriously doubts it, but Lopez is right and calls him with the joyous (and sad) news a week later.

“We ran the pictures under a face searching database and found them all to be missing people. Models from foreign countries, to be exact.”

“They’re trafficked.” Jake says in realization.

“Most likely. We’ll be in touch.”

-

Jake pours over Amy’s notes, desperately trying to find a clue of Dan’s location but he fails to find any. One day, however, Liam doesn’t come to their meeting place. He, Glenn and Mike wait around for an hour and he never shows. 

Finally, after an hour of waiting, he and the other guys start to leave, coming face-to-face with an angry Liam.

“The Palatine order never arrived.” he says as he walks in. All three guys go back to their spots and Jake licks his lips as Liam paces back and forth, rubbing his neck in annoyance. “The fucking Palantine order never arrived.” he says and stops suddenly, turning to all of them.

He meets every single one of their eyes and Jake shivers at the pure anger in his eyes. Jake knows what happened to the Palatine order, he told Lopez about it. It had made its way yesterday and was supposed to arrive today early in the morning but Jake guesses that Lopez stopped it.

“Look, boss.” Mike, the idiot of the crew and the one who replaced Elias, begins. “I think that perhaps-”

“I don’t give a crap what you think.” Liam retorts. “All I care about is the Palantine order. I wat to know who the fuck told the feds and who the _fuck_ is going to give me all this money that I lost!”

Jake and the guys are quiet for a second and Jake really regrets dropping out of drama his sophomore year, those acting skills would’ve really helped him now.

Liam rests his hands on his hips as he stares them down. He breathes in deeply and he grinds his teeth.

“I think we need to focus on the Wiscon-” Mike begins again.

“Fuck the Wisconsin order.” Liam interjects. “The Palatine order was the biggest one we had. So much shit hung on that one order.” He looks between them. “Glenn, go to North location; make sure there’s no more screw ups.” Glenn nods. “Mike, go check on the East. Johnny, stay here and wait for them to pick up the Southern order.”

Glenn and Mike leave at once. 

“You okay, dude?” Jake asks and Liam clenches his jaw as he turns to him. “You look..agitated.”

“I’m tired of idiots screwing with my orders.”

“Yeah. Sorry about that.”

“Why? You had some shit to do with it?”

“No. I don’t. I promise.”

Liam sighs and turns away from Jake. “I’ve got to go. Take care of that order. Make sure it goes out.”

Then he’s gone. An hour later, a redheaded man appears in a big truck. Jake and he haul out the order.

Afterwards, he asks Jake to sign a paper; Jake drops the pen when the man hands it to him.

“Whoops, sorry.” Jake apologises. The redheaded man glares and bends over for the pen. “Thanks.” Jake says and the man hands him the pen with his left hand. 

He remembers Chapter Three, from Amy’s binder. _Lee has played the piano since he was a child; he usually marks his lackeys with a music note on their left_ _thumb._

Lee, it’s Lee.

-

“We got him.” Lopez tells them the next Thursday, just as he’s walking in the door. His face is excited, he grins as he looks between them both. He had urged them for a meeting and Jake had actually cleaned his place up a bit, not that he was trying to impress Amy or anything.

“Wait, what?” Amy asks, standing. Her own face is in disbelief.

“Yeah. We got Lee. Thanks to that tip that Mr. Peralta gave us, we were able to follow that shipment and get Lee’s location.” he shakes his head in disbelief. Meanwhile, Jake is frozen, just staring. He know he’s supposed to be glad, supposed to be ecstatic that there's one less human trafficker in the streets but something icy starts running through his veins. Amy and Lopez turn to him and he swallows down this pebble of sadness.

“Wow, this is-”

“Amazing.” Amy finishes, a huge grin on her face. Lopez shoots him a look and Jake grinds his teeth as he looks to the floor. “Does that mean we’re almost done?”

“Yes.” Lopez nods, still eyeing Jake for a moment. “There’s a month left, at most.”

“So lit _tle_ time.” Jake blurts out, unable to stop himself, unable to stop the disappointment from his voice. Lopez narrows his eyes. “That’s...great.”

“You’re right, Peralta. It is _great_.” Lopez quirks his eyebrow.

“So, when do we crack down Liam?” Jake asks, just wanting to be able to count down the days that he has left with Amy.

“Pretty soon.” Lopez says. “Two weeks, at most.” 

“Wow.” Amy drops down on the sofa. “So soon.” she shakes her head as her eyes become far away and hazy.

“Yeah.” Jake says, his own eyes glued to her. “So soon.”

-

Dan Lee is arrested a week after, in his own house. There’s thirty models in the back of his apartment, women from different parts of Europe trapped in small cages.

-

After, Lee’s arrest Liam starts to unravel, unspool like a ball of yarn. Like most things, it’s a slow start until it builds into a barreling snowball.

It starts when Amy calls him and tells him that Liam ordered a steak last night at dinner.

“He’s-”

“-a vegan.” she finishes. “I know.”

Things at work begin to change and Liam becomes angrier, harsher, all sharp corners. The littlest things set him off like a steaming volcano. All the men avoid him, all scared of Mount. Nottingham, as they so lovingly call him. So, Jake is left to not only pick up all of the slack but he receives most of the anger, as well.

One day, he drinks himself stupid, until he’s a barrel of nonsensical words and jibbering laughs. Jake offers to drive him home and he spends the ride home drooling on Jake’s seats. Amy helps him put him to bed and then they walk to the kitchen, where they lean in close as they talk.

“What’s happening?” she wonders in a whisper.

“He’s unraveling.” she turns to him with wide eyes and then they’re grinning at each other, heads hunched close. A loud noise startles them and they jump as they separate. They turn and come face to face with Liam’s face at the edge of the door, his face a mask of drunken fury.

“Babe-” Amy begins, making her way to him.

“What the hell is going on here?” he mutters. 

“Why don’t you let me-”

“What the _hell_ is going on here?!” he yells. Amy jumps in surprise and Jake’s heart begins to beat in a panic. He steps forward to push her behind him.

“Dude, you’re drunk you need to-”

“Shut the hell up, Johnny.” he growls. He eyes dart between them, meeting Amy’s panicked eyes and Jake’s own eyes glancing at Amy. He mumbles under his breath and tries to march over to them, his face red but he topples over. 

That breaks the ice and they both try to help him up, noticing he’s fast asleep.

The next day, he arrives with a hangover and no memory of the night before. The ice in Jake’s veins unfreezes.

It’s the first night of many.

-

Lopez sets a day for the arrest of Liam: two weeks. The deadline feels so close that Jake can almost taste it. It’s bittersweet to have this thing end so quickly but something swirls in his stomach when he thinks about the talk he and Amy are bound to have and the different ways it could end. 

He knows that it will most likely end with Amy walking out of his life again but at the very least he hopes he gets some closure out of it all.

It definitely is a weird time for feelings.

Three days before he’s set to be arrested, Liam invites everybody to dinner, says he has a big announcement. Jake sits with the rest of the crew: Glenn, Mike, Toby and even Amy, who sits in front of him. 

He and Amy spend the whole meal avoiding each other’s eyes. The talk that he and Amy had still echoes in his brain and even though there’s only three days ‘till it’s over, he doesn’t want to screw it up.

Halfway through the meal and Liam has yet to discuss what the meal is about. 

Amy excuses herself to go to the restroom and when she gets back, Liam stands up, grabbing her hands and dropping to his knees. Jake just watches with wide eyes as the scene unfolds before him. 

_Oh, no._ He thinks.

“Oh, no.” Amy mumbles.

“Dora, since I’ve met you I knew that you were the one for me-” he begins, Jake clenches his teeth. “and before my friends and before God as my witness, I want to ask you to me wife.”

The people around the restaurant gasp, a clutter of astounded sounds.

“Maybe we should talk about this later.” she mutters and Liam raises his eyebrows.

“What?”

Amy licks her lips, squeezing her hands tightly and darts her eyes around the room, meeting Jake’s eyes. Jake looks away from her and glances at Liam, who is now standing from being on his knees. He looks angry, or dumbstruck maybe a mixture of both. 

Amy notices.

“Liam-” she says, reaching out a hand to him and he wrestles it off. Amy opens her mouth to protest again but he cuts her off. 

“Let’s go, boys.” he says, tucking the ring into his pocket. Jake is dumbstruck for a second, staring at Amy who is still frozen looking at Liam. He’s shaken off of it when Glenn pats him on the shoulder, shaking his head at Jake, as if he knew what he was about to do. 

So, with one last glance at her, he walks after the rest of the guys. Leaving Amy in the middle of a quiet restaurant. 

They go to a bar on the other side of town. Liam drunkenly rambles about Dora to him, the other guys gone to play pool. Jake doesn’t drink, doesn’t even listen to what Liam is saying, his mind far away as he recalled the look of fright on Amy’s face. 

It’s embossed in his brain now. 

He can’t help but remember that sweaty night at Shaw’s, the ring in his hand and the new chevron on her uniform. He wonders if she would have worn the same look on her face that she did at the restaurant and if she would’ve quietly declined his offer.

He comes to the conclusion that thinking while sober is the worst.

He rubs his face tiredly with his hands and then notices that Liam is fast asleep, drooling on the tabletop. He offers to drive him home and Glenn helps him put him in the car. 

He finds Amy awaiting at Liam’s place already and after an awkward greeting, the two of them put Liam to bed. Afterwards, she follows him outside and they stand in the porch.

Amy rubs her hands over her cold arms. Jake tucks his hands into his jacket, a mediocre replacement for his leather one. 

It’s quiet for a few moments, both of them shaking in the cold night air and Jake clears his throat, choking on the words he wants to say.

“So, that was…” he begins but doesn’t end. Amy purses her lips and nods a little.

“Yeah. It was, uh-”

“-uncomfortable.” he finishes and they both let out a small laugh, too fake and dry to be considered real.”I wonder how he’s gonna act now.”

“He brought it up before. Dora always said not yet. He should’ve known.”

“Wait, really?” Not even they had discussed marriage.

“Yeah.” she replies. Jake swallows dryly and Amy laughs a short little laugh. “Marriage always scared me.” she says suddenly with a shrug, avoiding his eyes. Then, she meets them. “I mean, it’s so concrete, you know?” 

Jake swallows dryly, remembering the blue ring in his drawer. “Yeah.” he says hoarsely. “It’s a big commitment. You never know if they’re the right person or not. Like, you know, my parents and all.” he says and Amy nods slowly.

Jake, however didn’t ask her because he didn’t whether she was the right person or not, it was because he didn’t know if _she_ thought he was the right one for her.

He always knew. _They_ made sense, he and Amy. 

(At least, he always thought they did.)

“I just-” she looks away from him again. Jake freezes, waiting for something but when she turns to him again he sees that whatever she was going to say is no longer going to be said. 

“I should go.” he says.

“Yeah, me too.” she motions behind her, to the house, with her thumb. “I should make sure he doesn’t puke on those sheets; I just changed them.”

“Yeah and I got to-to drink some water.” he says dumbly, not even paying attention to what he’s saying. He turns and hops down the porch steps. 

“Jake-” she hesitates and Jake stiffens, awaiting. He looks over his shoulder at her and she’s frozen, just staring at him. Something forms in his stomach, something heavy that’s weighing him down like an anvil. “I-I’ll see you around.” she finally says and Jake deflates a little.

He nods and then she’s gone, the door closing tightly after her. 

\--

Two days pass and Jake doesn’t see Amy, at all. The day that Liam is set to be apprehended, he stays home, as Lopez advised him to do. He paces around his living room. He knows he should be excited that this is finally ending and that he can finally get his proper talk with Amy but he can’t help replaying that last look he saw, the one stained with fear. 

Everything in his head feels tangled and his heart beats in his throat.

He sits down on his couch and rubs his face in annoyance. He deliberates calling Amy but stops himself; he doesn’t want to jeopardize the operation. He drinks a beer as he waits for the clock to change. He’s deep into his thoughts when his doorbell rings.

He opens it and comes face-to-face with a scared Amy.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” she begins, almost breathily. “I-Sorry, I know that I shouldn’t be here but I-I couldn’t be at home.” 

“Yeah, I’m nervous, too.” he replies. 

“Can I come in?” she asks.

“Yeah, yeah. Sorry.” he clears his throat as she makes her way inside. He closes the door after her.

“Oh, you painted the wall.” she says, motioning over to the now red wall.

“Yeah. It was ugly.”

“Yeah. It was.” A beat of silence and then, “We said we’d talk about it afterwards.” Amy says.

“Yeah, you’re right. We did.” he says in slight defeat.

Amy glances at him for a few moments, her eyebrows drawn together, eyes worried.

“Jake-“

“So, I guess they’re catching him like right now, huh?”

“What?”

“Yeah, Liam. They’re probably arresting right about now?”

“Jake-“ Amy sighs, noticing that he’s changing the subject.

“I wonder if he’s wearing that goddamn Tommy Bahama shirt.” He says with a dry chuckle.

“He is. I ironed it this morning.” Amy replies, not bothering to try to talk about the elephant in the room.

“Help! Help! I look like a creepy uncle!” Jake says in a bad imitation of Liam’s voice, he awkwardly chuckles at the end and Amy rolls her eyes. He sighs, the awkwardness choking him alive. He knows that he should probably say something, or atleast try to talk about New Years but he doesn’t want to. “So, I guess we get to go home now- Well, you to Boston and me to Brooklyn.” Amy just stares at him. “Well, I guess that’s home to you now, right?”

Amy throat bobs as she swallows. “Yeah.” 

Jake can’t help but feel a bit disappointed but what else what he expecting? Of course Amy was going to be staying in Boston, she never said otherwise. 

There’s a moment of awkward silence and then he can no longer take it.

“Why did you choose Dora if you were going to be going back to Boston?” 

Amy’s eyes flash to his and she’s not even remotely surprised; it’s as if she knew that he was going to ask about it.

She opens her mouth to reply but he interrupts her. “If you were going to go back to Boston, then why did you even chose Dora? I just- I don’t get it.”

“Jake-” she steps closer and Jake’s still rambling, hands waving as he speaks.

“I don’t get anything, Amy and I-” she launches forward, pressing her lips to her in a quick motion, making their teeth clash together. Jake is startled and he fumbles for a second, before he’s kissing her back, hands pressing to her hips. Amy’s own hands wrap around his neck, going on her tiptoes to reach him better. 

Her lips are soft, as they were several months ago and he swallows down the words he was about to say as he kisses her.

Then the door opens with a loud bang and they pull apart at once. Liam stands at the threshold, gun in his extended arm, his eyes wild and crazed. He looks deranged, so like the man he saw beat him months before and Jake blood freezes in his veins.

“I knew it! I fucking knew it! I knew this couldn’t be true, I knew you two had some fucking _shit_ going on! Glenn told me that something was going on between you two and I refused to believe it. I refused to believe it!” he steps closer and Jake pushes Amy behind him, shielding her with his body. Liam notices. “How fucking romantic!”

“Liam, put the gun down!” Amy booms from behind him and Liam laughs out loud.

“No. No fucking way.” he says, pointing it between them. Jake’s own piece sits inside his drawer and he draws his eyes to it. It’s too far to reach without alerting Liam, although Amy could easily reach for it. 

“Liam, dude-” Jake begins.

“Shut the hell up! I bet you’re the one who told the feds about my location! I should’ve killed you when I had the chance.”

Jake steps closer to him, his hands up. “Look, dude-”

“I said for you to shut the hell up!” Liam points his gun at him again and Jake stops in his tracks.

“Jake.” Amy warns quietly and Liam’s eyes snap to her.

“Jake?” he looks back at Jake, who is frozen. “ _Jake_?” He laughs dryly. “I should’ve known you were a rat!”

“Just put the gun down and then we can talk.” Jake says, hands up and stepping forward.

“I’m gonna fucking shoot you if you don’t stop walking.” Liam snarls. Jake keeps walking forward.

“Jake.” Amy warns again and Jake looks over his shoulder at her, motioning with his eyes to the drawer. Amy widens her eyes and nods. Jake turns back to Liam and steps forward again. Liam grinds his teeth and shoots him in the leg. Amy lets out a scream and Jake hisses in pain.

“Go, Amy! Go!” He grits out and Amy dives to the drawer, narrowly missing a bullet shot my Liam. Jake struggles through the pain in his leg and jumps on top of Liam, groaning in pain. Liam struggles to get him off of him, waving his gun around and shooting. Jake knees him in the stomach, drawing the breath of him and making the gun clatter to his feet. 

Amy kicks it under the sofa and Liam lets out a scream of anger as he tries to shake Jake off. Jake knocks him over, sending him spiraling and making him fall on his face. Jake wrestles his arms behind his back. Jake ties his hands back with his laptop charger. His whole vision is red and dancing in pain.

Amy points Jake’s gun at him.

“Liam Nottingham, you’re under arrest.” Amy says, her face a snarl.

It’s the last thing Jake sees before he faints from pain. 

-

Later, Lopez tells him that they arrived thirty seconds after he fainted. Turns out, Liam had escaped before they could arrest him and he had gone to Jake’s to hide.

Jake awakes in an ambulance, where they’re patching his leg up and plying him full of meds. He doesn’t see Amy until three hours later, when they’re taken in for questioning. She meets his eyes as he wobbles out of the room in his crutches. She looks so relieved, despite the fact that she’s covered in blood. (Which after a private freak out with Lopez, tells him it’s his)

Afterwards, they tell him to pack his stuff and inform him that his flight would be arriving the next morning.

Jake goes back to his apartment, hobbling his way in his crutches.The mess still lies on the floor and he remembers the kiss he and Amy shared right before Liam shot him.

He sighs and begins to pack his stuff. Halfway through his doorbell rings. He finds Amy on the other side of the door.

“You’re leaving.” she states, not a question. He nods, his throat dry and tight, like there’s something stuck there, maybe his heart. Amy nods slowly, her eyebrows drawn together. 

“Yeah. My flight leaves tomorrow.”

“Mine, too.” she says.

He tries to make a dive.

“Listen, I know I’m leaving and a lot of things are left unfixed but I think-”

“Jake,” she interrupts and tucks her hair behind her ears. “It was nice to work together again, if only for a moment.”

“Yeah.” he nods, a smile blooming on his face. “It was.”

Amy smiles back, her cheek dimpling slightly. It's in those quiet moments that he realizes their talk will never come,that she leave back to Boston and she’ll continue to thrive and grow brighter.

It doesn’t make him sad anymore, atleast not a whole lot and he actually smiles back at her, happy for the life ahead of her. 

He remembers the look on her face as he was fainting and feels thankful to have actually spent some time with her. To have loved and been loved by her. Greatest gift he’s ever gotten.

He used to think that there was a loose thread between them that needed cutting before it was unraveled but he’s wrong. 

Because, he knows that despite everything they’ll always come back to one another. Just as they did now. He knows that even time will pass and while sometimes they will be ready at different times or maybe they’ll be with other people, they’ll always come back to one another.

All he’s gotta do is wait.

And he can do that; he’s been waiting for someone his entire life. 

His dad, Jenny, Amy. 

Except he knows that Amy is not going to let him down like those people did before. 

Because, he knows, they’re soulmates.

“I hope things go well for you in Boston.” he says, trying to keep his eyes as earnest as ever. Amy shrugs one shoulder, her face turning bashful.

“Thank you. You, too in Brooklyn.”

“I’ve been gone for months, I don’t know how they’ve survived without their best detective around.” he says modestly.

“I didn’t know Rosa left.” she says with a joking grin. Jake grins back.

He steps forward, offering his hand and Amy glances at it for a second before she grasps it, shaking it. Their eyes don’t leave one another as they shake and then they’re leaning in.

His mouth meets hers halfway and she gasps into his, her hands wrapping around his neck. Her mouth is soft and she tastes like raspberries . All his blood gushes to his ears and his heart beats a steady beat as his hands shake to her hips. 

He falters for a bit. Amy pulls away.

“Oh, my God! Are you okay?” 

“Yeah, yeah. I’m okay.” he assures her, hands grabbing her waist again. Amy’s eyes don’t leave his leg and when she meets his eyes, she’s wearing the signature Amy™ look. He sighs. “Okay, fine. It hurts but only a little bit. It’s not that bad.”

“Have you taken your painkillers?”

‘“Yeah, totally.” he says, not meeting her eyes.

“ _Jake_.”

“Fine. I haven’t.”

She sighs and makes him sit down on the sofa. She then gives him a glass of water and his pills, which he takes quickly. 

“Thanks.”

“You took care of me when I got shot on my side.” she says with a shrug. “You even did my hair.”

“You can thank Gina for that; she’s the one who taught me those braids.”

“Where are your crutches?” she asks. 

“My room.” 

She sighs and stands up. “Come on, I’ll help you to your room.” He wraps his arm around her shoulders as he hops to his room. When they’re inside, they both trip on said crutches which he had strewn on the floor previously. They both fall onto his bed, a tangle of limbs and then they’re kissing again.

“I hope you know-” she says, pulling away.

“I do. I do.” he says against her neck. She shivers and nods, her throat bobbing against his lips, her hair a curtain around him. 

The next morning, when he awakes, he reaches over, as he’s done many times before, only to find the bed empty and cold.

He's not surprised. 


	5. the beginning and the end p.1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> part 1

The flight back home is short. He spends all of it watching the clouds ride on by.

As he rides, he remembers the last conversation he had with Lopez, where he asked him to join the FBI.

“If you’re interested.” Lopez had said, holding out a black card to him, reminding him of the time he had met him. Jake had hesitantly taken it, as he did back then.

“I’ll think about it.” he had replied, because Amy’s smell still clung to him and her brown eyes were all he saw when he closed his eyes.

He arrives to his empty apartment, the same way he left it months ago; down to the huge pile of dishes he always forgot to do. He unpacks a bit- which, to Jake, means stuffing his clothes deep into his drawers with no sense or order.

Gina picks him up that night, telling him that there’s a welcome party at Shaw’s. The squad cheers when he arrives, all grins and warmness.

Something inside of Jake warms.

“Oh, wow! I’ve missed you, Jakey!” Boyle says before wrapping him in the tightest hug.

“Missed you, too, bud.” Jake replies, hobbling a little on his cane.

“I wished on six shooting stars that you would be okay.”

“Seems excessive.” Jake replies. “But I’m fine.”

“You got shot.”

“Only a little.” Jake says with a shrug. Jake pats on Boyle’s back. “Okay, buddy time to let go.”

“Nope. You’ve been gone for months. I think I deserve a thirty minute hug.”

“I’ll give you thirty more seconds and then I’m screaming for help.”

“I’ll take it.” Boyle holds him even tighter for the remainder of the seconds and then he leans back, grinning widely. “Oh, you’ve missed so much! Julia lost her first tooth and Mario cooked his first paella. It was wonderful.”

“I don’t think you should be letting your kids around the stove.”

“They’re Boyles; we’re around stoves before we can walk.” Boyle replies. “Oh! And Patches got Milk pregnant; we’re gonna be fathers in law, Jake!”

“I don’t think that’s how it works.” Jake argues halfheartedly; Boyle just grins.

He’s passed around for a second and then he hobbles over to the bar top, where he orders a beer. He ignores the voice in his head, which sounds mysteriously like Amy, warning him against drinking while he’s on pain killers.

Next to him sit Hitchcock and Scully, who, he’ll admit, he missed a tiny bit. He’s deep into his thoughts when Rosa sits next to him.

“Sup?” she greets. “Didn’t get to greet you earlier.”

“Yeah, I was looking for you.” He replies. “So, what I’d miss? I feel like I’ve been gone for a million years.”

“Not much.” she says with a shrug.

“Not much?” Hitchcock pipes from next to him, signaling to his casted arm.

“Oh, that’s right. I broke Hitchcock's arm after he touched my pregnant belly”

“And I broke mine fighting a perp.” Scully replies, holding his own casted arm up.

“No, you broke yours fighting the vending machine for your quarter back.”

“Still heroic.” Hitchcock pipes up, Scully smiles warmly at him.

“Ah, good to be home.” Jake sighs, sipping his beer. Rosa glances at him for a second and then motions to Hitchcock and Scully.

“Hitchcock, Scully, go get me some M&M’s from the store. The ones with nuts.” Rosa says.

“Will do. I’ve been craving some gas station burritos.” Scully replies.

“Oh, bring me one of those, too.” Rosa says over her shoulder as they go off. She shrugs at Jake’s look. “What? We share the same cravings.”

There’s a moment of silence.

“So, how’d it go?”

Jake shrugs. “Good.”

“Just good?” she inquires. “Dude, you did an FBI mission; you were gone for months. It seriously has to be better than just ‘good’.”

He sighs. “I saw Amy there.”

“And?”

“And we worked together.”

“Nothing happened?”

“Nope.” he says with a shrug.

“That sucks. I thought something was going to happen between you two. I figured she’d return with you.”

“You knew she was there?” Jake asks, Rosa nods. “Oh, is that why you told me to go?”

“Yeah.” She says with a shrug. “You two are my friends and-

“You’re a hopeless romantic who loves us so very much, Yup! Got it!”

“No.” she sends him a steely gaze but Jake’s grin remains. “She told me about the case and I remembered the card in your drawer.”

“Well, whatever. I got _some_ closure and that’s all that matters.”

“So, she left?”

“Yep and honestly, I’m fine with it.”

“So you’re over her?

“No. Definitely not.” he says with a dry laugh. “It’s gonna take time but I know that things are gonna get better later.”

“Seems like you’ve matured a little.” She says. “Proud of you.”

Jake’s a little uncomfortable at the feel of the conversation and he says, “Yeah. Boobs, fart, whatever.”

“Or maybe not.” Rosa replies, although a small smile peeks through.

Jake grins into his beer.

-

His first week at the nine-nine goes off without a hitch and Jake jumps headfirst into any open cases. Rosa has her baby when he’s in Rikers following a lead. Adrian calls him and it takes Jake nearly fifteen minutes to get it out of his rambles.

Adrian is a freaked out mess when Jake finds him at the hospital thirty minutes later. He’s sputtering and has that far-away look in his eyes he gets every so often. Jake sits with him and tells him that Rosa needs him now more than ever. Adrian quiets down and nods, walking straight into the delivery room despite Jake’s disagreement.

He and the whole squad wait around the waiting room until Adrian comes out smiling, proclaiming that it’s a boy. The whole squad cheers and Boyle nearly sheds a tear.

Jake, too.

The squad takes turns visiting Rosa and her tiny, little baby. Jake decides to go last, a little freaked out at seeing Rosa being a mom. However, he gasps when he sees the small brunette perched next to Rosa, all other thoughts out the window.

“Oh, my God. He’s the cutest.” he whispers, not wanting to wake him up.

“Thanks.” Rosa smiles at the bundle next to her.

“He has a _lot_ of hair.”

“Blame Adrian.”

Jake grins and leans over to get a better glimpse. The miniature Adrian yawns, his tiny puckered mouth opening.

He can’t believe that Rosa is a mom and that this tiny being now depends on her to live. He tries to put himself in her shoes, tries to recreate this intense feeling that Rosa is no doubt feeling.

He remembers when Terry’s twins were first born and how Terry said that his entire life boiled down to that one moment. How his life was now complete.

It makes him a little sad. His life had been fine with him until now, but he realizes that everybody is growing and drifting away while he remains the same person he was ten years ago.

“I’m joining the FBI.” he blurts out, startling himself and Rosa. “They asked me and...” he trails off, something heavy weighing down in his stomach. He realizes that this was always going to be his decision. He eagerly awaits her reaction.

“Good.” she says with a nod. Jake grins easily in relief.

“So,” he begins. “What are you going to call this little dude?” She looks a little hesitant for a second. “What?”

“If I tell you, will you promise that you won’t start crying?”

“What? I’m great at hiding my emotions!”

“Jake, I watched Finding Dory with you.”

“Hey! She found her family after years of searching for them! You expect me _not_ to cry?” Rosa just sighs. “So?”

“Mauricio.”

“Why would I cry at that?” he says. “Is it because I can’t exactly pronounce it? Because practice makes perfect-“

“I’m not finished.” she pauses. “Jacob.”

His eyes widen and he lets out a faint gasp, something delicate forming around his heart.

“Really?” he asks quietly.

“You said you weren’t gonna cry.”

“I’m not crying.” he says.

(He totally is.)

-

Holt congratulates him when he breaks the news, although not before saying:

“I told you, so.” Holt says and leans back in his chair.

“You know, I think liked you better when you were a robot.”

Holt smiles for a faint second. “We’ll miss you here.” Holt says and Jake stiffens, throat feeling tight because he hadn’t exactly thought about saying goodbye to the squad. Or what his leaving would entail. No more Gina dancing her way around the precinct; no more of Boyle’s stinky lunches; no more hand-drawn pictures from Terry’s twins and Ava; no more squad.

He chuckles dryly and doesn’t meet Holt’s eyes as he says, “Yeah. Meep. Zorp.”

The whole squad throws him a going away party--one that Boyle doesn’t spoil. 

Boyle makes him promise to not make any new best friends. Gina gifts him his own “Jake knows best” sweatshirt. She tells him, “So they know who the main bitch is”. Terry tells him of the closest gym to his new location is, not that Jake will ever attend it.

Even little Ava writes him a card congratulating him.

Jake cries a whole lot.

FBI training is grueling and nothing like his NYPD training, which is child’s play in comparison. Like all new guys, he’s hazed for a while. None of it goes from beyond shaving cream in his locker, though.

But, pretty soon, he forms a new band of friends. He’s especially close to Barbara, a lesbian redhead from Pennsylvania.

(Boyle is not pleased)

Overall, he loves his new job and begins to feel pride when he can climb three flights of stairs without feeling like death--well, not quite, but he does puke less.

He still misses Amy, of course, but he manages to go on several dates with some of Barbara’s friends. It goes nowhere.

He’s in no hurry, so it doesn’t really bother him. He’s really busy to care, anyway-with FBI training, babysitting little Mauricio at every chance he gets and helping Gina pick out stuff for her wedding. She says he has the best taste, after her, of course.

He wants to ask if Amy is going to come because he knows she’s invited, but he stops himself.

Instead, he focuses on color schemes, cake flavoring and endures quasi set-ups with Barbara’s friends.

He doesn’t notice that two months sweep on by, three more left of his training.

The arid winter begins to arrive and it takes him by surprise.

-

The day of Gina’s wedding, he hardly has time to wonder if Amy is coming or not. Oliver, Gina’s fiancée, is as dramatic as she is and is almost as demanding. So he spends his whole day catering to his every whim.

Boyle sidles next to him when he’s walking out of Oliver’s dressing room, wearing an elated look.

“What?”

“Why there is nothing I have to speak of.” he replies in a fake posh accent, as he slightly curtsies. Jake crosses his arms, narrowing his eyes.

“Boyle.” he says in warning. “You’re fancy talking again.”

“Pish-posh! I would never lie to thee, kind si-”

“Charles.”

“Fine.” Boyle sighs. “Amy’s here.”

“Oh.” he replies, voice tinged with surprise, dropping his arms to his side. “ _Good_. Good for her.” he nods and clears his throat. Boyle just watches him with wide eyes. “What?”

“You’re not going to run up to her and confess your love?”

“What? No.” he shakes his head. “I am not going to do that. She came to enjoy Gina’s wedding and that’s what she’s going to do.”

“But what if this is the start of your second chapter?”

“We talked about this Boyle, there are no second chapters.” Jake replies, quoting Amy during New Years. Jake tucks his shaky hands into his pockets, trying to hide them from the watchful eyes of Boyle. “Anyway, she didn’t come here so I could berate her about our ex-relationship for the fifth time; she came to watch Hitchcock ruin Gina’s wedding when the priest asks if anyone protests against it. You know he’s in love with her, right?”

“Yeah, and you love Amy! You can’t just not do anything, Jake. You’ve got to do something!”

“I _am_ going to do something. I’m going to stand next to Oliver and watch him marry my childhood friend; that’s what I’m going to do.” Jake replies. “Come on.” Jake walks off, letting out a nervous breath, eyes cluttering closed. He arranges his tie, thinking it what’s making his throat feel strangely tight.

It isn’t.

Boyle follows after him, his feet dragging.

Gina not only decided to have her wedding in the middle of winter, but she also chose for it to be outside, at the edge of the woods. So when Jake first spots Amy, she’s standing underneath a cherry tree, cooing at Rosa’s baby.

Jake pauses, his heart at the base of his throat as he watches the way the orange leaves illuminate her. She’s wearing a red dress, his favorite color on her, and her hair is in curls around her face.

It takes the breath out of his lungs.

She meets his eyes and he raises one shaky hand and waves; she waves back, her cheeks dimpling slightly.

Then, he turns and clears his throat, trying to swallow his heart back down.

The wedding goes off without a hitch. Gina gets her seizure inducing wedding entrance and Hitchcock cries when Gina and Oliver are proclaimed married.

Jake manages to keep his eyes off of Amy for most of the ceremony.

(Emphasis on most.)

He keeps away from her, not wanting to say anything he might regret later. But she seeks _him_ out when he’s grabbing a drink from the bar.

“Hey.” she says in greeting.

“Hey.” he replies, sipping from the glass in his hand, some liquid courage.

“So, that was some wedding, huh?”

“Yeah. I’m pretty sure I have to get my eyes checked. Those bright neon lights could not be healthy.” Amy laughs.

“Yeah. I got pretty nauseous. Don’t tell Gina, though.”

“And have her kill me? No.” They share a laugh.

Jake was worried about acting strange in front of her but now as he meets her crinkling brown eyes, all earlier uneasiness is gone.

It’s a new feeling.

“Anyway,” she begins. “Want to dance?”

“Sure.” he leaves glass and follows her to the dance floor. He pauses for a second, a little unsure, and then slowly wraps his arms his around her, pulling her flush to him. Amy’s hands wrap around his neck. They awkwardly sway back and forth, both of them a little stiff.

“Do you remember the last time we danced at a wedding?” Amy asks, breaking him out of his daydream.

“Yeah. Rosa and Adrian’s.” he says automatically, neglecting to say that he thought the next wedding they’d dance at would be their own.

“That was a whirlwind, huh?”

“Oh, god. That was a mess.”

There’s a moment of silence and then she speaks again.

“What have you been up to?”

“Let see, Terry found out that I showed Ava Die Hard and he refused to talk to me for a week; my mom has a new boyfriend; Holt’s wedding is in two months and my cat got Boyle’s cat pregnant.” He lists off automatically. “I think that was it. Oh! I also joined the FBI.”

“No way! Congrats!”

“I thought they’d ask you, too.”

“Uhm.” her eyes turn to the ground, “They did but I-I’m taking lieutenant exam pretty soon and, I don’t know, I guess I don’t really see myself as an FBI agent.”

“Yeah, Captain Santiago.”

She grins in that self-assured way she always did and Jake finds himself smiling back. They twirl around for a minute, not exactly dancing but just smiling as they hold each other close.

After a second, Amy seems to snap out of it and she lets go of him. Jake drops his hands from her waist, too. She clears her throat as her hands fall awkwardly to her sides.

Her eyes meets his watchful ones and she says, “I should go. I have a late flight.”

He clears his throat and nods. “Okay.”

“It was great to see you.”

“Same.” He replies, unable to say anything else.

Amy tucks her hair behind her ears, smiling slightly. She dips her head before leaving.

Jake desperately tries to memorize the contours of her face, the quirk of her lips, and the spark in her eyes.

He hopes that it’s not the last time they see each other. He hopes that it’s not the last time he sees her face.

It is.

 

(At least for four hours, when Amy Santiago knocks on his door.)

-

He’s taking off his tie, hours later at his apartment, when his doorbell rings.

“Hey.” she says in greeting, her eyes a little manic.

“Hey.” he replies softly. Jake eyes dart all over her body, noticing the luggage behind her.

Boston, he remembers, and the hope inside of him deflates.

Amy throat bobs as she swallows uneasily.

“Can I come in?” she asks and Jake nods, opening the door. Patches mewls from his place on the sofa. He closes the door after her. Amy fiddles with the handle on her suitcase before she begins to speak.

“I was on my way to the airport and I-I couldn’t help but think that we…” she pauses. “we should talk.” Jake stops in his tracks, watching as Amy shuffles a little nervously.

“About?”

“Everything. From the beginning.”

“The beginning, beginning?”

“Yeah. From before I left to Boston.” she replies. “I feel like it’s been pushed back too much and I think we both deserve to just put everything out in the open.”

Jake nods, his throat tight, because here it finally is. So much closer and so much easier than he thought it was going to be. Amy watches him, wondering if he’s gonna make the first move.

“You start.” he says, voice a little cracked. She nods and takes a deep breath before beginning.

“I found it.” Amy blurts out and Jake pauses, looking at her inquisitively. Amy averts his gaze as she speaks again, her throat bobbing in nervousness or perhaps fear. “The ring. I found the ring in your drawer.” Jake feels his blood drain from his face. Amy begins to ramble a little, her words slurring together. “You were out with Boyle and I was looking for something-I forget what and I, God, I found it. I remember thinking, he’s gonna propose and something like dread settled in my stomach. I thought it was because I ruined your plans, because god knows you had something big and elaborate planned-“

“I did.” Jake says, voice rough with hidden emotion. Amy barely glances at him, her eyes glued to the pile of dishes on his sink.

“But then,” she continues, as if he hadn’t spoken. “I sat down and stared at the ring- it was so pretty, your mother’s ring- and the dread in my stomach began to make much more sense. I didn’t want to be married to you, Jake. I didn’t-“Finally she looks at him and Jake couldn’t be more heartbroken if he tried to be. Amy swallows uneasily, eyes downcast again.

There’s a moment of silence.

“When-” he clears his throat. “When did you find it?”

“Uh, a few months before I made sergeant.”

“Before you left to Boston.” She nods. “Is that why you took the Boston job? You were scared?”

“No.” she shakes her head and sighs. “Yes. A little. I mean, I didn’t know what to feel; everything started feeling too real and I thought that I could clear my mind by going to Boston, you know? I thought some time apart might do us good.”

“And?”

“And it tore us apart; the exact opposite of what I wanted it to do but it made so much sense, Jake and I thought maybe this was what we were destined to be. Apart.”

“And?” he repeats, unable to say anything else, the only word he knows thus far.

“And, I guess, I clung to that excuse.” She meets his eyes and looks away at the look on his face. “I thought that maybe you weren’t the one after all; that maybe my gut was right because maybe the fact that we couldn’t withstand everything meant that we weren’t made to be. It took everything in me to break up with you, thinking it was the best thing I could do.

“Except, I spent months thinking of you. Every single day, I thought of you. I’d walk down the street and think, wow, Jake would like that. I’d be working on a case and I’d think, let me ask Jake for help. I wanted to call you when I got offered the case; you were the only one I wanted to talk to. It took me so many months to realize that you weren’t there anymore; I couldn’t run to you for answers.”

She finishes, meeting his eyes once again. Her hands clasp around the silkiness of her dress, holding her down as she tries to not look away from him. Jake’s own mind is running in circles, everything that she’s saying falling like missing pieces in a puzzle. He swallows uneasily as she stares at him, uncertain of what to say.

Amy beats him to it as she continues.

“When I saw you at New Years, it made me realize that I was wrong, that I ran away for not explicit reason. No reason apart from the fact that I was being a coward. But it was too late. You were moving on and I was going undercover and things between us would have to wait. But when I saw you at Liam’s, I was angry, so angry. I was using this to get over you but here you were just as I was starting to forget your name.”

She pauses, her eyes drowning in shiny tears.

“When he shot you,” she shakenly continues. “My heart almost died. And I-” she pauses and takes one shaky breath. “When I visited you in your apartment, I couldn’t make myself say anything. I was frozen.”

Jake lets out one shaky breath, not sure of what to say. His heart beats quickly in his chest as he just stares at her. Amy lets out her own shaky sigh.

“I had to return to Boston, back to my life. When Gina invited me to her wedding, I promised myself that I would let myself have one more talk with you, one more dance and if you were happy and moving on, then I would do nothing. But you are, I mean, you’re joining the FBI and I know that I shouldn’t even say anything but I-I heard your voicemail. And I agree. Me, too.” She finishes, swallowing loudly as she stares at him.

Jake had fantasized about this moment for such a long time, the things he’d say when Amy recalled her part but as she stares at him with expectant eyes all he can do is stare blankly. It’s like the words are calcified in his stomach, as if they’ve shrunk down to a granular state, as if he cannot believe this is happening. Because he can’t.

He clears his throat, trying to fish out those words. “I-” is the only one he can find.

Amy nods, her eyes turning a little duller as he sees him struggle with everything. She smiles grimly at him.

“I should go. Boston awaits.” She opens his door, the suitcase trailing after her. It’s the same squeaky one she left with those months ago and as it squeaks, it breaks him out of his reverie.

“So, you’re just going to return to Boston like nothing ever happened?” he blurts out. “Like you haven’t just told me that you missed me? That you still love me?”

She stops in her place, eyes widening. Jake swallows harshly.

“Jake-”

“You’re gonna leave me like those months ago?”

“Things are the same as they were before, Jake. I can’t leave Boston and you can’t leave Brooklyn. It’s just how things are.” Jake tries to avoid the feeling of his heart caving into his chest.

A little flame of hope lives in his chest, however and he strokes it, until it burns to a full flame because they _can_ do this.

“Things _are_ different.” He argues and Amy looks confused for a second. “I’m willing to try. If you are, too.”

“Really?’ she asks, the hope in her eyes is staggering and Jake struggles to breathe normally as he nods. “I-I don’t think I’ll ever be ready, Jake. To be married, that is.”

“We don’t have to. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want.”

“Are you sure you won’t get tired of waiting?”

“No. I will never get tired of waiting.” He argues, meaning it wholly. “I mean, I’ve gone to the library with you before and you take like forever. So I think I’ll be fine.”

Amy laughs, her eyes crinkling with happiness.

Something inside him breaks and he can’t help himself anymore. So, kisses her hard. She kisses him back almost instantly, her arms wrapping around him tightly.

“God, I’ve missed you.” He mutters, kissing her cheeks, her eyes; every part of her that he’s missed.

“I’ve missed you more.”

“Want to bet?” he murmurs and Amy laughs, kissing him again.

“I need to go; I’m going to miss my flight.” she says, extracting herself from him. Jake doesn’t relent, holding her close.

“Take an early flight tomorrow. Or, better yet, call in.”

“I can’t. What am I supposed to tell them?”

“I just reunited with the love of my life, so I won’t be able to make it work.” he says with a shrug.

Amy scoffs sarcastically. “Love of my…” Jake raises an eyebrow and she rolls her eyes. “Okay, fine. But only this once.”

He grins, the joy in his hard enveloping every part of him.

-

They spend the next day, just lying in bed, telling each other things they’ve missed, which is a whole lot. The next night, Amy leaves and he promises to visit her that weekend. This time, when the squeaky suitcase trails after her, his heart isn’t breaking.

He visits her that weekend and she shows him around the city she knows so well know. From her favorite spots to the bar that she frequents at. They watch the Mets play against the Sox that weekend and cheer quietly when the Mets win.

He doesn’t really remember to tell everyone he’s back with Amy, too entranced by her but three weeks in, he goes to Shaw’s and brings her along. For the first time, the squad is speechless. Even Holt looks moderately surprised. After an awkward moment, Boyle runs up and hugs them close together.

“Oh, God! I missed you both!” he cries.

“I’d forgotten how invested in our relationship he is.” Amy mutters to him. Boyle hears it.

“Oh, my god! Amy said _our relationship_!” he cries out again. Jake pats his back in sympathy.

After that, everything sort of melts and it’s like back in the old days when Amy was still living in Brooklyn.

The weekends that he spends with her are the best; he loves waking up with her hair in his mouth and tripping on the books on her floor as he wakes up to go the restroom in the middle of the night. Its home.

So, it makes sense when he goes back to Brooklyn and mopes around for a few days. It’s totally understandable, to him, anyway.

When there’s a week left of his training, Lopez calls him into his office.

“You’re not happy here, are you?” he blurts out as soon as Jake sits down.

“What? I am. I love it here.” And he does, he’s not lying but he _is_ lying if he didn’t say that the moments in Boston are by far better.

Lopez stares at him for a few moments and then he stands, clasping his hands behind his back, he turns and looks out the window.

“Okay, fine.” Jake says after a moment of silence and begins a long rambling speech about love in which he might get a little teary in. “And I-I don’t want to lose her again. I know it looks really bad that I’m backing away and you’ll probably never want to work with me again but-“

“Did you know that I met my husband online?”

“Uh, what? No.”

“I did. He was stationed out here, in Brooklyn. I was in California. We would write to one another, talk on the phone and occasionally visit. My mother advised me to just transfer here to New York but I was terrified, so I didn’t. One day, however, he was shot in the line of duty and I kicked myself for not leaving earlier.” He turns and looks at Jake. “So, that same week, I packed my clothes and took a plane. I never looked back. I understand what it’s like to live so far apart from someone you love, especially since you’ve just gotten them back.”

Jake nods, still a little confused to where the conversation is going. Lopez pauses as he contemplates.

“You’ll love Boston in the winter; I heard it beautiful.” Jake begins to smile, begins to thank him but Lopez cuts him off. “I applaud you for taking this big step and I’m even surer that Mr. Smith, head of the Boston branch would be happy to have you.”

“Thank you.” Jake says, meaning it one hundred percent. He stands and offers his hand, which Lopez shakes. “Thank you.” he says again.


	6. the beginning and the end p2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> p2

He surprises Amy that weekend with his packed bags, Patches curled in his arm. He’s scared that he’s startling her away but she looks so relieved that he’s making the first step; that he’s all in.

Life in Boston is a little hard at first. He’s not used to driving everywhere and it’s strange to sleep without the sound of Brooklyn crime happening but, he’s happy. Exceptionally so.

The little house he shares with Amy is nothing like the apartment they shared in Brooklyn but he loves the way it smells like burnt pancakes every Sunday when Amy tries to make breakfast. He also loves how they go to I-Hop after, where Amy pouts and he makes her smile when he licks the syrup from her lips.

He’s happy, very happy.

Amy still has her moments when she doubts everything or when everything starts feeling a little too real but he’s there to hold her hand. And everything is okay. There’s no talk of marriage anymore but he doesn’t find it within him to care. He has her and that’s all that matters.

Amy makes captain pretty quickly, before she turned forty, like she’d guessed. It’s one of the most proud moments of his life.

-

Two years in, they get a little surprise.

Amy goes to the roof of her precinct and stares out into the city. Jake finds her there hours later and he just knows what it means. He sneaks up behind her and wraps her arms around her slowly. She sighs, her hands curling around his.

“I’m scared.” she mutters.

“We don’t have to-” he begins but can’t continue because he wants this _so_ bad. He wants what he sees in Rosa’s eyes every time little Mauricio walks into the room; he wants what Terry said, of completed lives and finished circles.his 

But he’s scared, too. His father isn’t the best example of a great, or even moderately good father and a large part of him is terrified to turn out like him.

Amy sighs. “My mom is going to be so pissed that it’s going to be born out of wedlock.”

He can’t help it and snorts into her neck, laughing at the ridiculous statement. “She knows that we’ve been living together for years, right?”

“She always tries to forget.” she replies and turns, wrapping her arms around neck. Amy tucks her face into his chest, he leaves a kiss on her hair. “Together?” she mutters to him and he nods.

“Together.”

-

Amy’s pregnancy is a bumpy ride. She develops anemia almost instantly and there’s a few weeks where they’re walking on thin ice, both of them a little high-strung and irritable. After the doctor tells them that they’re out of danger, Jake brings her flowers to apologize, coming home to completed paperwork from Amy as an apology.

He’s away for a month for a case and he cries when she shows him the ultrasound that night when they’re facetiming. He then carries the ultrasound inside his wallet and flashes it whenever he can. Or just usually stares at it for hours at end.

They don’t tell everyone until she’s five months in. It happens when they return to Brooklyn for Boyle’s birthday and her little belly peeks out of her jacket. Boyle cries and says it’s the best birthday present he could’ve asked for. Gina mumbles ‘gross’ but Jake can see a smile peeking.

Amy gets really sick the six months in with pneumonia. It’s not very serious but it’s still a wakeup call for both of them. He and Amy have a serious talk about what to do if one of them perishes.

Afterwards, he gives up his usual breakfast of candy and ice-cream for bananas and (yuck) bran cereal.

Amy’s put on bedrest her seventh month in and his director takes him off of big cases, letting him work from home. Amy grumbles all throughout those months, aching for her precinct. She does Jake’s paperwork as an alternative as he rubs her feet.

She goes into labor when he’s sleeping. He hears her whimper and he awakes at once, turning on the lamp on his bedside table.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” she says, though she’s still lying on her side, refusing to meet his eyes. “Jus’ a nightmare.” she mumbles. Jake’s not convinced and he watches her for a moment, watches as her back stiffens and she whimpers quietly again.

“Amy-”

“I’m fine, Jake.” she argues tightly. “Go to bed.”

“No, you’re not.” he notices that the bed is wet. “Amy, what-”

“My water broke.” she says quietly.

“Oh, my god. We need to go. Now.” He takes the blankets off of them, trying to help Amy up. She goes limp, trying to wrestle his hands off of her. “Amy, don’t struggle. We need to go to the hospital, okay?”

“I’m not going! Okay? I’m not going!” she screams, sobs tearing through her. “We just got to leave it there. That way I can’t-” she sobs.

“Hey.” he says softly and she turns to him, tears in her eyes. “I’m going to be right next to you, okay? Together, remember?” He grabs both of her hands, circling his thumb in that soothing matter and she slowly relaxes, closing her eyes as she nods.

The day that his daughter is born is the best day in Jake’s life. The world stops when he lays his eyes on her for the first time and all he can do is stare. 

Every fear that he felt until then evaporated.

Everything aligned to this one moment.

Her hair is already a curly mess and Jake just knows that it’s gonna be a bitch to get in place, just as his was when he was a child--before his mother discovered the wonders of hairspray. Her eyes are all Amy’s though, chocolate brown with thick lashes.

She’s everything he’s ever wanted and needed.

Amy is quiet when the nurse begins to lay the baby in her arms, stiffening a little.

“Oh.” she mumbles, relaxing. She watches with wide eyes as the baby coos and wraps her little hand around a strand of her hair. Jake slowly makes his way over to her, deaf to the sounds of the hospital. He peeks over Amy’s shoulder, entranced with the pink of her cheeks.

Amy turns to Jake with wide eyes. “Oh.”

-

Amy takes to motherhood pretty easily. She buys every baby book that she can get her hands on. She worries about her frequently, following her with worried eyes every time someone who isn’t one of them, carries her. She even baby proofs their house, despite the fact that she can’t walk for maybe another eight months.

Jake, on the other hand, is much more lax. He lays her on his chest, facing the TV while they watch "Die Hard". Whenever Amy's at work and he's taking care of her alone, he dresses her up in the cutest ways, sending pictures to everyone in his address book. Jake stares at her sometimes, not believing that she shares half of his genes and the good ones, too. He thanks God that she didn't get his aunt Irma's extra long middle toe. He rocks her to sleep a lot, telling her cop stories until her tiny eyelids droop.

“Civilians love a good cop story, Ames.” He argues when Amy complains.

Clara gets sick when she’s three months old and he paces around the hospital in fear, praying, something he hadn’t done in years. She's there for a week and he and Amy hold each other close, no longer standing on thin ice. Afterwards, there are long nights where all he can do is stare at her, making sure she’s alive and breathing.

It doesn’t hit Jake that he’s finally a dad until he’s feeding little Clara and she says her first word: ‘da’. He sits in shock for minutes, Clara playing with her fingers, and then he grins.

“Yes, da.” he tells her, grinning close to her face. He’s grinning so widely that he doesn’t notice when little Clara throws some of her mashed potatoes to his face.

-

Jake’s luck of not getting hurt on missions ends when a building he’s investigating in is bombed. He’s walking through the halls of the building, thinking of what to bring home for dinner when there's a loud boom from the floor above him. He’s thrown against the wall, hitting his head hard enough to hear a loud crack. He scrambles for a second, terrified, as he thinks _Amy, Clara, Amy, Clara_ but then everything starts going dark. The crumbling debris is the last thing he sees. The screams of the others is the last thing he hears.

He awakes in the hospital, disoriented and confused. Amy sits to his left, sleeping upright as Clara sits on her lap. Jake reaches for his head, wincing as he presses down on the bandage wrapped around it. Clara, two years old, calls out to him in her toddler language, her hair a halo around her head. He reaches his hand that isn’t wrapped in tubes out to her and she grabs his fingers.

She climbs onto the bed with him and he hold her close, burying his nose in her hair. She smells like raspberries and so familiar that he relaxes instantly. He falls asleep with her curled to his chest and awakes with Amy getting her off.

“Leave her.” He mutters and Amy stops, startled.

“You’re awake.”

“Yeah.” He opens his eyes slowly, coming face-to-face with Amy. There are dark circles underneath her eyes and her hair hangs limply around her face. Her lip begins to tremble and her eyes begin filling with shiny tears. “Hey, I’m okay. I’m okay.” He replies, his hand wrapping around her hand.

“They said that you probably wouldn’t talk anymore or-“ she begins.

“They were wrong.” He says. Amy shakenly nods, her eyes not leaving his face. Clara awakes, her little eyes blinking open. Jake lays a kiss on her forehead as she burrows her way closer to him. “They were wrong.” He says again and he’s busy hugging Clara closer to him that he doesn’t notice the look in Amy's eyes.

-

It takes him a few months to get better, his leg broken in three different places and his head still affected by the impact. A month into his recuperation, they arrest the culprits: three white males with ties to the KKK and various hate-groups. He struggles with his memory, struggles to remember small things like the name of his high school or what he ate for breakfast two days before . The doctor tells him that it’s permanent, that it might be easier for him to forget mundane things. 

Jake lays in bed many nights staring at every piece of Amy and Clara, not wanting to forget anything--especially 'mundane' things.

Amy’s mom lives with them those months, although she acted a little cold towards him, still holding a slight grudge towards him for getting Amy pregnant out of wedlock but they spend a lot of time together, watching her soap operas, taking care of Clara and eating sopapillas.

He returns to work as soon as the doctor clears him, despite Amy’s protests.

“Hey.” he says in greeting, when comes home from work two weeks in. He notices that Amy sits alone in the sofa and he becomes worried. “Where’s Clara? Is she okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. She’s fine. My mom took her to the zoo.” she says hurriedly. He sighs in relief.

“Okay. Good.” he sits down next to her, kissing her lightly. “So, what’s up? Why are you sitting here like you’re- Oh, my god. You’re pregnant.” he says gleefully. “Oh, my god. Please let me name this one-”

“Jake, I’m not pregnant.” she interrupts. “It’s just- and, by the way, you’re not naming any of our kids. You wanted to name Clara, McClane.”

“Uhm, its unisex, Ames.” he retorts. “I’m still upset about that you only let me give her her middle name, by the way.”

“Yeah and now our child’s middle name is Nakatomi. She’s gonna be stuck with that her whole life-” She sighs, stopping. “Okay, we’re getting a little derailed.”

“You’re the one who started this conversation-”

“Jake.” she begins, her face turning serious. “What happened those months ago was a wakeup call and I-I realized that there are worse things to be scared of. So, I-I wanted to ask you something.”

“Do I want to have super loud sex while your mom takes Clara to the zoo? Yes.”

Amy sighs and gets on one of her knees. Jake’s eyes begin to widen as he sees everything begin to unfold. Amy grabs a small case from her jacket and begins to open it. Jake jumps to his feet.

“No, no. This is not happening.” he says. Amy watches as he begins to walk away.

“Jake-”

“Nope. You are not proposing to me first, Amy.” he turns, hands on his hips.

“I have been planning it longer!”

“You broke up with _me_ those years ago, so I automatically get to ask you first.” he argues.

“I’m the one who changed her mind _and_ I had to see you when you were in that coma.” she argues back.

“For a day, Amy. And you don’t get to use that as leverage.”

“I’m pretty sure I do!”

Jake doesn’t answer, leaving Amy on one knee as he nearly runs to their room. When he walks back to the living room, Amy is still in the same spot, wearing an incredulous look. When she spots the ring in his hand, she narrows her eyes.

He comes down on one knee before her. She breathes in deeply, mostly in annoyance.

“Amy Santiago-”

“Nope. I’m doing this.” she shakes her head.

“Come on, Ames.”

“Nope. Me first.” she replies and clears her throat. “Jacob Peralta-”

“Amy Santiago-” he says at the same time. They both stop at the same moment, glaring at one another. They don’t budge, just staring at each other with fierce looks on their faces and then they’re kissing.

-

“When we tell people this story,” he says later when they’re lying in bed, holding each other close. “I asked you first.”

“No. We’ll tell them everything.” she says.

“Even the part of the super-loud sex?”

“Except that.” she argues and kisses him, the ring on her finger glimmering. 

-

They get married a month later. And Jake, in a truly Amy fashion, brings out the binders, planning every detail to their wedding. Boyle helps him pick out food and Rosa, the flowers.

The day of the wedding, he’s getting ready, fixing the buttons on his _four_ button suit when Holt walks in. Jake grins and turns. Holt, ever so regal, even in his dingy changing room, nods.

“Hey, Captain!” he greets.

“Peralta.”

“How are you? I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“I am fine.”

“That’s good. So, what’s up?”

“I just wanted to say,” Holt begins. “I’m massively proud of you. Not only have you matured to your age-“

“Offensive.”

“And true.” Holt says. “But you’ve done it with an impressive grace.”

“I know, I’m pretty freaking amazing, huh? Amy is so lucky to be with me.” He holds his hands on his hips and Holt lips quirk into a small smile.

“Peralta, are you wearing two cummerbunds?” he points at the maroon cummerbund that lies behind his black one.

“Oops.” Jake replies, adjusting it. “It’s Amy’s; it’s my something borrowed.”

“I believe that tradition is for women.”

“Way to promote gender roles, Captain.” Holt just sighs.

“Regardless, you’re lucky to have her.”

“That I am.”

“And she, you. Good luck on your wedding, Jake. I’m more than sure that you and Amy will have many amazing years together.” Holt rest his hand on Jake’s shoulder. “I’m proud of you, son.”

It’s just like that movie moment where fathers talk to their sons before their wedding about cold feet and the right way to make love to a woman. Except, Jake’s ‘father’ is a black man, who was once his boss and is now one of his daughter’s godfathers. (The other being Boyle.) Jake’s biological father didn’t even make it to the wedding, making some excuse about flights. Jake’s not surprised; the only time he met his granddaughter was once through facetime, when she was five months old.

Holt was the first one at the hospital.

Jake smiles wistfully, tears filling his eyes. “Thank you.”

Holt nods and then he’s gone.

Jake cries again when Amy walks down the aisle, her dress slim on her legs, puffing out mid leg, making her look like the mermaid Jake once compared her to. Jake just knows that this is something he will never forget. He will never forget the way it smelled like jasmine, the way the light streams through one of the windows or the melting chocolate in her eyes.

Rosa knocks him on the shoulder, one of his many best men and Jake is staring at Amy so intensely he doesn’t feel the way his shoulder aches. Boyle, is full on bawling next to him, muttering “I am over the moon, I am over the moon.”

Amy sheds her own tears and reaches for his hand when they’re close enough to one another. He grabs onto her, squeezing once as she stands beside him.

“Your hand is clammy.” He whispers to her and Amy laughs as tears drain out of her eyes.

He doesn’t let go.

(The next wedding they dance at is their own.)

-

Afterwards, when the party is over and it’s just him and her in the quiet of a room, he thinks, _Totally worth it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope u enjoyed this. this was fun to write. i'm writing amy's POV next, which i will post as a seventh chapter and i'm also writing a HS AU pretty soon!  
> 

**Author's Note:**

> according to the internet a detective cannot transfer to a whole 'nother state without starting from the bottom, which is what Jake would have to do. Amy, on the other hand, is requested specifically and therefore does not lose her rank, since it's not an official transfer. at least that what they said on yahoo answers (jk)  
> once again, i am not a cop but a simple college student. let me know if anything is mispelled. english is not my first language and no matter how much i comb the words i always fcking miss something lol.  
> see u in a week (or so)


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